Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Caowin's Editorial Written in an Adult Arcade


That's right. I'm actually typing this from inside an adult arcade. You must be thinking "What the fuck?" but let me explain. You see, an adultarcade is a little booth where people pay to watch porn and masturbate. “So you mean to tell me that you have your laptop with youbut you PAID to watch porn and masturbate anyway?”

Well, it was an experience. They’ve got like 200 videos toscroll through, including some preggo porn (which was still not as disgustingas the ebony – ew), and it was nice not waiting for the videos to load. But theproblem was it cost a dollar for 10 minutes, but I only had a five dollar bill,so even though I already finished I’m stuck in here for another 49 minutes andI need something to do. I could always leave, but that would mean I wasted money,something we Jews do not like to do.

Besides, it’s a really great place to write. No one canbother you, they have just enough light for you to be able to see, and there’sno distractions. Well, except for the porn and all, but I turned it onto this romanticscene with really cheerful piano music, so it’s more relaxing than anythingelse.


Imagine people doing it to this

So where are you? Hopefully not in an adult arcade, becausethat would mean that they are now using my writing as pornography, which itclearly is NOT.

(As a side note, this is the most fucking artistic porn I’veever watched. The scene keeps on cutting in this supercool, jarring, almost postmodernway, and the lighting is all dark and weird. I’m half tempted to buy the videojust so I can share its eerily non-erotic beauty with you guys.)

NO CAOWIN STOP TALKING ABOUT PORN YOU HAVE TO FOCUS. Okay,I’m focusing. So as you probably have not heard because you guys are a bunch ofidiots who don’t watch the news, Chen Guangcheng, a Chinese activist who wasunder house arrest after having served thirty years in prison, escaped and isprobably now in an American Embassy.

And the tale of his escape is the awesomest one I’ve everheard. He faked illness to lull the guards surrounding his house into a falsesense of security. Then, in the cover of the night, he sneaked around all thoseguards, presumably using his Chinese ninja skills. [Editor’s note: Rice –Ninjas are Japanese you racist.] He then ran until he could run no more, whichis when his friends picked him up and drove him to the American embassy.

Now you would think this guy sounds like a real hero, likethe kind of guy I can approve of. Sure, he’s yellow, but he was standing up toother yellow people, so it evens it out, right? Wrong. Because this supercoolfreedom fighter was also handi-incapable.

Yeah, that’s right. Chen Guangcheng is blind as a bat, andhas been since he was a child. Far from being the archetypal Caowinian hero,this Chen guy is actually the greatest enemy that I and my Handi-Incapablecampaign have ever seen.

I mean, handicapped doctors, lawyers and bankers can all beexplained away. Those are mental careers, and the people who normally do them(Jews) aren’t the strongest among us anyway. But running away from evil guardsis TOTALLY something that the able-bodied should have an edge over thehandi-incapable on. How are you supposed to see where you’re going when youCAN’T FUCKING SEE?

And to think America is stuck between a rock and a hardplace – having to either give up a political prisoner to an evil government orrisk infuriating said evil government – all because some cripple wanted to beawesome. So anyway, that was this unintellectual hero’s two cents on thatChinese hero’s two broken eyes. Remember to fight impairment dishonesty and havean amazingly unintellectual day!

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