Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Conversations

So APPARENTLY Y. S. Rice thinks I need to stop starting my posts with "Hey." Of course, I told him, "But it reminds the viewers that I'm a fun, casual guy and that my posts are less like news articles and more like a conversation with a friend that always has something interesting and discriminatory to say."

"Right," Y. S. Rice responded, but in that tone he uses when he's saying something he doesn't believe. I think he calls it "sarcasm," although there's only one kind of "asm" I'm interested in and I am NOT doing it with a dude.

But of course, that's the problem with having conversations with inferior people, who don't quite think on your level. They interpret your "awesome ideas" as "stupid ideas" because said inferior people just aren't smart/creative/racist enough to understand how awesome your ideas really are.

Which brings us to what this article is all about - a conversation. Not one that I had with anyone, but rather one that I found on Youtube. I posted it on the bottom of this page if you want to watch it. Or you could just figure out what it was about from reading this, which I know my lazy unintellectuals prefer.

It's from this show where you judge people and the point is to show how racist you really are. And in the middle of a seemingly pleasant conversation about some random black "person" (as they are misleadingly called) one guy admits that he wouldn't hire the guy because he's black.
Would you hire these people?
And here's the thing: the guy saying this is Polynesian, or as I like to call them, "island niggers." (They like me to call them that, too.) This guy admits the inferiority of the non-Aryan races AS A MEMBER OF A NON-ARYAN RACE. You know how awesome that is?

This Polynesian says that he doesn't like black "people" because they have a sense of entitlement. Of course, one of the blacks there starts complaining about how racism is like bad or something, proving only that he thinks he's entitled to stuff like rights. But the face the Polynesian guy makes in response to this (shown at 3:10) is absolutely priceless. You can practically hear him thinking, "It's like Martin Luther King Day all over again!"

Of course my favorite moment is actually a bit before this. The black guy blabbing on about his rights says something along the lines of "It's like if I didn't give money to white homeless people." And then it sounds like our Polynesian hero says "That's because you're Jewish." That makes him a third level racist!

What does that mean? Let me explain.

First level racism is understanding the inherent superiority of lighter skin. You might act on this understanding, not giving cab rides to non-whites, or by simply hunting down any dark-skinned person who might have a bag of skittles. (Bang!)

You become a second level racist when you know WHY darker skinned people are so inferior. This is where I thought the Polynesian guy was, because he knew that all black people have a sense of entitlement. He would also know, of course, that Mexicans are lazy, Arabs blow up planes, and Asians spend all day studying math because their penises are too small to masturbate with.

You reach the third level when you realize that, not only do all minorities fit their stereotype, but that everyone that fits the stereotype is a member of that minority. For example, when the Polynesian suggested that everyone that is stingy is Jewish. This is of course the top of the racist pyramid. It's like the racist version of self-actualization.

But this black guy in the video obviously doesn't care how enlightened this Polynesian man is. All this black guy cares about is pushing his bigoted anti-racist views, and trying to make our poor Polynesian hero feel bad about himself.

Also he probably really cares about fried chicken.


No, I don't have a caption for the video. If you' want to know
my thoughts on it, go back and read the fucking article.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Caowin's Editorial Written in an Adult Arcade

That's right. I'm actually typing this from inside an adult arcade. You must be thinking "What the fuck?" but let me explain. You see, an adultarcade is a little booth where people pay to watch porn and masturbate. “So you mean to tell me that you have your laptop with youbut you PAID to watch porn and masturbate anyway?”

Well, it was an experience. They’ve got like 200 videos toscroll through, including some preggo porn (which was still not as disgustingas the ebony – ew), and it was nice not waiting for the videos to load. But theproblem was it cost a dollar for 10 minutes, but I only had a five dollar bill,so even though I already finished I’m stuck in here for another 49 minutes andI need something to do. I could always leave, but that would mean I wasted money,something we Jews do not like to do.

Besides, it’s a really great place to write. No one canbother you, they have just enough light for you to be able to see, and there’sno distractions. Well, except for the porn and all, but I turned it onto this romanticscene with really cheerful piano music, so it’s more relaxing than anythingelse.

Imagine people doing it to this

So where are you? Hopefully not in an adult arcade, becausethat would mean that they are now using my writing as pornography, which itclearly is NOT.

(As a side note, this is the most fucking artistic porn I’veever watched. The scene keeps on cutting in this supercool, jarring, almost postmodernway, and the lighting is all dark and weird. I’m half tempted to buy the videojust so I can share its eerily non-erotic beauty with you guys.)

NO CAOWIN STOP TALKING ABOUT PORN YOU HAVE TO FOCUS. Okay,I’m focusing. So as you probably have not heard because you guys are a bunch ofidiots who don’t watch the news, Chen Guangcheng, a Chinese activist who wasunder house arrest after having served thirty years in prison, escaped and isprobably now in an American Embassy.

And the tale of his escape is the awesomest one I’ve everheard. He faked illness to lull the guards surrounding his house into a falsesense of security. Then, in the cover of the night, he sneaked around all thoseguards, presumably using his Chinese ninja skills. [Editor’s note: Rice –Ninjas are Japanese you racist.] He then ran until he could run no more, whichis when his friends picked him up and drove him to the American embassy.

Now you would think this guy sounds like a real hero, likethe kind of guy I can approve of. Sure, he’s yellow, but he was standing up toother yellow people, so it evens it out, right? Wrong. Because this supercoolfreedom fighter was also handi-incapable.

Yeah, that’s right. Chen Guangcheng is blind as a bat, andhas been since he was a child. Far from being the archetypal Caowinian hero,this Chen guy is actually the greatest enemy that I and my Handi-Incapablecampaign have ever seen.

I mean, handicapped doctors, lawyers and bankers can all beexplained away. Those are mental careers, and the people who normally do them(Jews) aren’t the strongest among us anyway. But running away from evil guardsis TOTALLY something that the able-bodied should have an edge over thehandi-incapable on. How are you supposed to see where you’re going when youCAN’T FUCKING SEE?

And to think America is stuck between a rock and a hardplace – having to either give up a political prisoner to an evil government orrisk infuriating said evil government – all because some cripple wanted to beawesome. So anyway, that was this unintellectual hero’s two cents on thatChinese hero’s two broken eyes. Remember to fight impairment dishonesty and havean amazingly unintellectual day!