Thursday, February 2, 2012

A 'Fan' 'Essay' on 'Homosexuality' [The Kind that People Opt-Into, Apparently]

Hello, dearest readers,

This is your delightful writer, Y. S. Rice. Many of you know that I tend to attract those with extreme opinions on the subjects of the day - rape, evolution, and what Mitt Romney should be called. However, Caowin is not my only less-than-moderate associate. Recently, a woman who wishes to remain anonymous (referred to hereafter only as Shmabigayle Shmearson of Shmas Shmegas, Shmevada) wrote this article about homosexuality for publication on our super-popular blog. I would like to note that I have not edited this text at all, save for my few notes, which can be found in brackets, [like so].

I would further like to apologise for introducing you all to a second Caowinhim. Management insisted that we go ahead with publication, since "We have sunk far too much time and money into bringing this writer on-board just to throw her stuff away, you f*cking retard, Y. S. Rice. Lots of love, management". I don't understand how zero dollars, zero cents, and one tiny favour constitutes "Far too much money", but I wanna keep my job, so here goes nothing.

Hello, adoring (and somewhat stalker-ish) fans of Jester Antonio Caowinhim and Y. S. Rice! [Y. S. R. here - just making sure you understand how these editor’s notes work.] My name is not important, but I am in no way related to the editors I mentioned above. (If you’ve forgotten who I’m talking about, reread the first sentence.) 
This article is in objection to Homosexuals and their lifestyle. First of all, I don’t care whether you think homosexuality is a choice or if one is born with the sexual preference; it really doesn’t matter. Homosexuality is dangerous to one’s well-being.  
A look at the Bible will tell ya that.

  • “... Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.” (Jude 1:7 NIV) 
  • “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18 NIV) 
[I see a lot of text saying that sexual immorality is wrong (immorality is wrong? Go figure) but I don't see anything about homosexuality being sexual immorality. Take from that what you will.] 
Now, I don’t think God is going to rain hellfire and brimstone on you because you proclaim to be a homo, but I could be wrong. So, why take that chance?
Same-sex sexual relations are also harmful to one’s health. Don’t believe me? Check this site. I don’t have time to explain all of the problems that result from sex with others of the same gender. Nor do I want to bore you with facts, statics and too many numbers. Nevertheless, I do recommend you read the article I’ve linked here. [What's more, straight people are completely immune to sexually transmitted diseases - fact.]

However, I will tell you this... Gay and bisexual men are more at risk to have their lifespan shortened by 20 years than heterosexual men. Now, I don’t know about you, but to me, that seems like a significant loss in precious life. [I bet this has nothing to do with the fact that - because gay relations are not given the validation of marriage - gays are socially pressured into promiscuity. Or the fact that gays are regularly beaten, sometimes to death. That last link also serves a good example of how lenient UK law is.] 
Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention that I think is quite interesting... 
Prior to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, the men of Sodom were known to be homosexuals as they refused the virgin daughters of Lot for the sexual pleasures of the male angels that came to warn Lot and his family of the coming destruction. [The writer is here suggesting that the crowd should have raped Lot’s virginal daughters, because gang rape is totally better than being gay.] [Editor's Note: Caowinhim - OMG, true right?!? Read here for more of my thoughts on rape!] [Caowin! What are you doing here?] [Editor's Note: Caowinhim - I have editorial privileges too! Also, I got a raise!] [What?! Fuck you Caowin. Let me notarise this piece alone] [Editor's Note: Caowinhim - Okay Ricey, but the man upstairs (no homo) wanted me to remind you not to be too boring. Bye!] [Yeah right, like I'm ever boring...... Guys?]
When this mob of men became riotous, the angels pulled Lot into the house and closed the door. The angels then blinded the men trying to break down the door to Lot’s house. Similarly, syphilis, a disease transmitted through the practice of sodomy, if not treated can lead to blindness and cause one to go mad. [Please note: syphilis is in no way a gay disease. Only connection I can see is that it used to be 'cured' with that most mercurial of metals (mercury, if you seriously couldn't guess).] 
To conclude this article, if you so choose [yes, choose] the homosexual lifestyle, just be aware of the risks that come with having sex with someone of the same gender as you [SEE MY LINKS]. 
Until next time (but I doubt I’ll be invited to write again) [Oh, you will be.] 
This has been anonymously yours.
 - ******** ******* [Shmabigayle Shmearson, in case you forgot.]
So yeah, there you go. Enjoy the writing from a fresh face guys! Or at least enjoy my comments. I wouldn't personally mind if you just enjoyed my comments. Honestly, it's fine. It's also more likely.

No offence-o!

This has been, half-arsedly yours,

Y. S. Rice 

1 comment:

  1. Yair, you found your calling!! Editing the work of Caowins the world over!!!!!