Monday, February 20, 2012

Cool People for Cthulhu

Yo yo homies,

No, I'm just kidding. Hello dear readers - Y. S. Rice here. I recently made the mistake of actually reading this blog in my free time the other day, when I noticed that Coawin was heading a vaguely dickish but surprisingly lofty social crusade. My first thought was naturally 'Man, fuck Caowinhim', but - sure enough - my second thought was 'Man, fuck social crusades'. Having cast aside the obvious bait, I decided to go back to doing what I always do in my free time.

FYI to all you ladies: That's not an arm going into my jeans.
Think about it.
Hahahahahahaha, no. My main hobby is actually Googleing for funny pictures [Editor's note - Caowinhim: No homo]. That's how I found that picture, and pretty much every picture in every post I've ever made on this blog, but it's also a great source of entertainment... Until I found this:

Do you move like Jagger?

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!


Oh yeah, it's Mick Jagger, who I imagine has won the much-respected Academy Award for supreme ugliness every year since it's introduction (it was introduced the year Mick Jagger was born). Seriously, this creature can not be human - which, if you think about it, is how the following train of thought kicked off: I would literally rather have sex with Cthulhu than see this picture ever again -> Wait, why is Cthulhu my go-to ugly guy? -> Mr. Jagger here has set the bar even higher than him, after all. -> It's kinda unfair that Cthulhu gets likened to people as ugly as Mick Jagger -> Plus Cthulhu might be female, which at least adds a couple percent of beauty -> Cthulhu is not that ugly! -> We need to save Cthulhu! 

For those of you who may not know Cthulhu well, or wish to know more about the guy, here are...

The Facts on Cthulhu:

  • He has the attractive qualities of fish-men, octopuses*, and dragons. In case you think dragons are pretty sexy (like I do), let's get this straight - here's a picture of our guy:
  • His dry spell can be measured in ice ages.
  • He is the face of the popular roleplaying game, The Call of Cthulhu, but has made celebrity guest appearances on such shows as South Park and The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy (he only did the latter because he owed the writer of that episode a favour). 
    • In his capacity as arch-villain of most Call of Cthulhu games, Cthulhu has been alternatively thwarted, nuked (pointlessly), and shot into space by many creative investigators over the years.
    • Cthulhu, being the only Cthulhu in the universe, is a ridiculously endangered species. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. Who is near impossible to destroy.]
  • His dad was the amazing horror writer and uber-racist, H. P. Lovecraft. He has no mother. 
    • Despite Cthulhu's immortality, Lovecraft himself died quite a while ago, making Cthulhu an orphan. You dicks just love nuking orphans, don't you? [Editor's note - Caowinhim: So what?]
  • Cthulhu only has one wish in the whole world (to destroy the whole world (for no reason), but that's not important). Such lowly desires should be rewarded; not punished.
  • Oh yeah, and Cthulhu's a God. Sure, he's a God of chaos for chaos' sake, but still... Is he really that different from Jesus? They both seem to have pretty unrealistic expectations of humankind, and both have an interest in human souls (the latter for redemption and the former for consumption). 
    • That's similar enough for me. 
Now, since when is it cool to keep picking on hideous, constantly bullied, orphans of endangered species? That is exactly why I am officially starting my own social crusade: Y. S. Rice's Cool People for Cthulhu Campaign. If you are a good person wanting to protect a nearly-extinct species, then like this post. If you are a kind soul who wants to take pity on an unfortunate creature, like this page. If you are a Godless heathen looking for a new (ancient) God, like this page. Most importantly, if you are a cultist who worships the forces of evil and hatred the world over, like this page, +1 it, and then Tweet about it.

CPfC (Cool People for Cthulhu) aims to advance the following ideals:
  1. Cthulhu is a hideously misunderstood creature; all he wants is to destroy all evil in the universe (which, unfortunately, is only found on Earth - all over Earth. It's all of us. You know it's true.)
  2. Cthulhu is not hideous. There's somebody out there for everybody, right? At least that's what Caowin tells me [Editor's note - Caowinhim: It's also what I tell all my fat friends! Jk lol, why would I have fat friends?]
  3. Little known fact: at the end of Apocalypse Now, he was actually
    just thinking about our sexy pairing of the Gods.
    1. Further, it is CPfC's aim to ship Cthulhu and Yog-Sothoth, since they would make such a cute couple. Just think of all the tentacles.
    2. We CPfCers will liken all unspeakably ugly things to Mick Jagger's face from now on; never Cthulhu.
  4. There is no Cthulhu but Cthulhu, and Chibthulhu is his true prophet.
Well, that's all folks. Hope enjoyed today's article - or as I call it: 'Y. S. Rice Finds Meaning'.

Agree or make a sanity check.
Actually, agree and make a sanity check.

Look at that adorable deity.

- Y. S. Rice

No comments:

Post a Comment