Thursday, February 23, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Santorum's Marriage Policy

Today we are here to talk about marriage. Now, anyone that knows me knows that I am radically anti-marriage. Every since that stupid whore Katie broke my heart I've understood that anyone that says they love you is probably lying to you in order to get you to spend loads of money on them. But we're actually talking about politicians, and which ones will protect marriage from those who would make it homo.
But if they're both the same gender, how do they know which one complains that they never go out anymore while the other one tries to watch the game?

You guys might not know this about me, but I’ve recently become a Gingrich supporter. I like his debating skills, his moon colony idea, and his shape, which reminds me of one of the best movie scenes of all time.

Actual picture of Gingrich's first attempt at dealing with the godlessness in cities like New York.
But recently , I’ve been getting the frothy appeal of Santorum. He understands that gay marriage, even more than every other form of marriage, is an abomination and a perversion of human nature.

And I like this about him, although I originally felt he doesn't take it far enough. I mean, the Bible doesn't say just any old man and woman can get married. It says it has to be one Christian man and one Christian woman. And for those of you who are like, "That's not fair to Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddists and Sikhs!", I disagree. Those non-Christian people can still get married. They just have to convert first.

And what about nonvirgin women? The Bible clearly says a woman's wedding night should be her first time, and I agree with this because when you find out that a girl you like has been spoiled by another man's cum, it ruins your relationship with them. Cough, cough, Katie. Cough.

I mean, how can I even get it up knowing that, far from going where no man has gone before, that the shoes I'm about to put on (so to speak) have already been worn a thousand times by somebody with much bigger feet than I could ever dream of having. How could you do this to me, Katie? If you waste your first time with a non-husband person, you deserve to die alone. You hear me Katie?

The only argument I can see against this position is that the wedding night will be terrible unless you've got some experience. But that's part of what makes it special - how miserable it makes you. Besides, ladies, there's plenty of time to practice [Editor's note: Rice - Says the man who has had sex about 425 times less than I have.]

Of course, when Santorum gave a speech declaring that he was going to fight Satan's hold on America, I knew that he would get to these other Christian battles eventually. You see, Santorum understands that Satan is trying to get our country to do evil things.

"Like wage violent wars?" you might be thinking. No, Santorum is fine with war, supporting the ones in Afghanistan and Iraq, and vowing to bomb Iran.

"Oh, so he means taking government support away from poor people." you probably said. Not that either. Santorum understood "the poor; for yours is the kingdom of God" to be a turn of phrase. What kind of God would actually turn their kingdom over to icky poor people.

Rather, Santorum was referring to gay marriage, a much greater evil than war and greed combined. It was this great evil that Santorum referred to when he said: "The Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies, Satan, would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country -- the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?"

Yes, Santorum, the Satan does have his sights on this country. And it is up to all Americans to make sure peace and charity reign.

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