Monday, February 6, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on the Handicapped


Hey, PublicU blog followers and fellow unintellectuals. Caowin here, ready to share my vast though slightly controversial wisdom on the important issues of the day, which usually manifests itself as a disdain for a randomly chosen minority.

But today, my antipathy towards a specific group is not without warrant. You see, as I was tabling for the College Republicans, I saw this guy rolling by in his wheelchair, legs spread out before him like he was some kind of fatass sitting at home in a couch.

Now, you guys know that I’m not one to judge people for being lazy unless they are a member of one of the inferior races. However, I was feeling especially judgmental today, so I joked to the fellow Republican next to me, “Hey, look at this guy. He thinks he’s so cool; doesn’t even have to sit straight.”

But what happened next blew my mind. As the guy in the wheel chair rolled on by, I noticed he was missing his left arm.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Where’d he put it?” But it was obvious that this guy was not a cyborg who simply misplaced a body part. Cyborgs are usually super muscular and partially metallic, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Terminator."

They can also be super sexy lesbians, but that goes without saying.

So the Republican says, “I bet you weren’t expecting that,” because by then I looked like a jerk making fun of a man with one appendage gone and two more completely useless.

But upon further contemplation, I realize that this is in no way my fault. I mean, this disabled asshole had the arm-length sleeve of his missing arm just hanging, so that one naturally assumes there’s an arm in there, only to realize that this sleeve is empty after one has already been a douchebag.

I mean, why do the disabled in this country think they can get away with not acting more, you know, disabled? They’re holding down jobs, becoming increasingly more mobile, and even – get this – leading the free world every now and then. It’s preposterous!

So I am spearheading a campaign to get the handicapped to show off their disabilities as much as possible. Tie up the sleeve with no arm in it. Make loud groans whenever going up a wheelchair ramp. Buy prosthetic limbs that double as a spatula or something, like in "Treasure Island." Anything to let the world know that you are:

Y. S. Rice is going to have to work on the graphics. I'm not really good with  graphics - just genius ideas.

1 comment:

  1. Dude, you accidentally made a not-dickish point. Sure, you arrive there via Douchebaggery Avenue, but you are being warm and uplifting by the end. WTF?

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