Monday, February 27, 2012

Caowin's Second Apology

Readers! How you guys been? Pursuing unintellectuality in your personal lives? Good, good, good... How have the children been? Oh, you don't have children? Oh, you're barren? Oh... How's the womb version of a desert then?

Y. S. Rice just told me to get back to the point.

You see, I really don't like apologizing. But apparently my suggestion that women nag and complain while men do manly things offended some people. Well, if you consider feminists people.

They were angry because apparently relationships between men and women should be marked by equality, cooperation, and mutual respect, rather than annoyance and disregard for the fairer sex. (Like those icky feminazis would know. I wouldn't touch one of those unshaven fatties if they were the closest thing to a real girl left on Earth.)

And I have to admit, I sort of agree. Relationships between men and women shouldn't be all about the woman trying to crush the man's spirit, taking away everything that gives the man meaning whilst simultaneously forcing unto him activities that he finds not only uninteresting, but also humiliating and emasculating.

It shouldn't be like that, Katie you whore. But I guess it's inevitable. It's like that old saying: Men are from Mars; women are from R'lyeh where they, alongside Cthulhu, inspire all the fear, anxiety and anger of mankind.

Anyway, while this is clearly the truth and anyone who says otherwise is either a woman trying to suck out the soul of a man, or a man whose soul has already been sucked out by a woman, I apologize for saying it.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Santorum's Marriage Policy

Today we are here to talk about marriage. Now, anyone that knows me knows that I am radically anti-marriage. Every since that stupid whore Katie broke my heart I've understood that anyone that says they love you is probably lying to you in order to get you to spend loads of money on them. But we're actually talking about politicians, and which ones will protect marriage from those who would make it homo.
But if they're both the same gender, how do they know which one complains that they never go out anymore while the other one tries to watch the game?

You guys might not know this about me, but I’ve recently become a Gingrich supporter. I like his debating skills, his moon colony idea, and his shape, which reminds me of one of the best movie scenes of all time.

Actual picture of Gingrich's first attempt at dealing with the godlessness in cities like New York.
But recently , I’ve been getting the frothy appeal of Santorum. He understands that gay marriage, even more than every other form of marriage, is an abomination and a perversion of human nature.

And I like this about him, although I originally felt he doesn't take it far enough. I mean, the Bible doesn't say just any old man and woman can get married. It says it has to be one Christian man and one Christian woman. And for those of you who are like, "That's not fair to Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddists and Sikhs!", I disagree. Those non-Christian people can still get married. They just have to convert first.

And what about nonvirgin women? The Bible clearly says a woman's wedding night should be her first time, and I agree with this because when you find out that a girl you like has been spoiled by another man's cum, it ruins your relationship with them. Cough, cough, Katie. Cough.

I mean, how can I even get it up knowing that, far from going where no man has gone before, that the shoes I'm about to put on (so to speak) have already been worn a thousand times by somebody with much bigger feet than I could ever dream of having. How could you do this to me, Katie? If you waste your first time with a non-husband person, you deserve to die alone. You hear me Katie?

The only argument I can see against this position is that the wedding night will be terrible unless you've got some experience. But that's part of what makes it special - how miserable it makes you. Besides, ladies, there's plenty of time to practice [Editor's note: Rice - Says the man who has had sex about 425 times less than I have.]

Of course, when Santorum gave a speech declaring that he was going to fight Satan's hold on America, I knew that he would get to these other Christian battles eventually. You see, Santorum understands that Satan is trying to get our country to do evil things.

"Like wage violent wars?" you might be thinking. No, Santorum is fine with war, supporting the ones in Afghanistan and Iraq, and vowing to bomb Iran.

"Oh, so he means taking government support away from poor people." you probably said. Not that either. Santorum understood "the poor; for yours is the kingdom of God" to be a turn of phrase. What kind of God would actually turn their kingdom over to icky poor people.

Rather, Santorum was referring to gay marriage, a much greater evil than war and greed combined. It was this great evil that Santorum referred to when he said: "The Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies, Satan, would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country -- the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?"

Yes, Santorum, the Satan does have his sights on this country. And it is up to all Americans to make sure peace and charity reign.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Cool People for Cthulhu

Yo yo homies,

No, I'm just kidding. Hello dear readers - Y. S. Rice here. I recently made the mistake of actually reading this blog in my free time the other day, when I noticed that Coawin was heading a vaguely dickish but surprisingly lofty social crusade. My first thought was naturally 'Man, fuck Caowinhim', but - sure enough - my second thought was 'Man, fuck social crusades'. Having cast aside the obvious bait, I decided to go back to doing what I always do in my free time.

FYI to all you ladies: That's not an arm going into my jeans.
Think about it.
Hahahahahahaha, no. My main hobby is actually Googleing for funny pictures [Editor's note - Caowinhim: No homo]. That's how I found that picture, and pretty much every picture in every post I've ever made on this blog, but it's also a great source of entertainment... Until I found this:

Do you move like Jagger?

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!


Oh yeah, it's Mick Jagger, who I imagine has won the much-respected Academy Award for supreme ugliness every year since it's introduction (it was introduced the year Mick Jagger was born). Seriously, this creature can not be human - which, if you think about it, is how the following train of thought kicked off: I would literally rather have sex with Cthulhu than see this picture ever again -> Wait, why is Cthulhu my go-to ugly guy? -> Mr. Jagger here has set the bar even higher than him, after all. -> It's kinda unfair that Cthulhu gets likened to people as ugly as Mick Jagger -> Plus Cthulhu might be female, which at least adds a couple percent of beauty -> Cthulhu is not that ugly! -> We need to save Cthulhu! 

For those of you who may not know Cthulhu well, or wish to know more about the guy, here are...

The Facts on Cthulhu:

  • He has the attractive qualities of fish-men, octopuses*, and dragons. In case you think dragons are pretty sexy (like I do), let's get this straight - here's a picture of our guy:
  • His dry spell can be measured in ice ages.
  • He is the face of the popular roleplaying game, The Call of Cthulhu, but has made celebrity guest appearances on such shows as South Park and The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy (he only did the latter because he owed the writer of that episode a favour). 
    • In his capacity as arch-villain of most Call of Cthulhu games, Cthulhu has been alternatively thwarted, nuked (pointlessly), and shot into space by many creative investigators over the years.
    • Cthulhu, being the only Cthulhu in the universe, is a ridiculously endangered species. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. Who is near impossible to destroy.]
  • His dad was the amazing horror writer and uber-racist, H. P. Lovecraft. He has no mother. 
    • Despite Cthulhu's immortality, Lovecraft himself died quite a while ago, making Cthulhu an orphan. You dicks just love nuking orphans, don't you? [Editor's note - Caowinhim: So what?]
  • Cthulhu only has one wish in the whole world (to destroy the whole world (for no reason), but that's not important). Such lowly desires should be rewarded; not punished.
  • Oh yeah, and Cthulhu's a God. Sure, he's a God of chaos for chaos' sake, but still... Is he really that different from Jesus? They both seem to have pretty unrealistic expectations of humankind, and both have an interest in human souls (the latter for redemption and the former for consumption). 
    • That's similar enough for me. 
Now, since when is it cool to keep picking on hideous, constantly bullied, orphans of endangered species? That is exactly why I am officially starting my own social crusade: Y. S. Rice's Cool People for Cthulhu Campaign. If you are a good person wanting to protect a nearly-extinct species, then like this post. If you are a kind soul who wants to take pity on an unfortunate creature, like this page. If you are a Godless heathen looking for a new (ancient) God, like this page. Most importantly, if you are a cultist who worships the forces of evil and hatred the world over, like this page, +1 it, and then Tweet about it.

CPfC (Cool People for Cthulhu) aims to advance the following ideals:
  1. Cthulhu is a hideously misunderstood creature; all he wants is to destroy all evil in the universe (which, unfortunately, is only found on Earth - all over Earth. It's all of us. You know it's true.)
  2. Cthulhu is not hideous. There's somebody out there for everybody, right? At least that's what Caowin tells me [Editor's note - Caowinhim: It's also what I tell all my fat friends! Jk lol, why would I have fat friends?]
  3. Little known fact: at the end of Apocalypse Now, he was actually
    just thinking about our sexy pairing of the Gods.
    1. Further, it is CPfC's aim to ship Cthulhu and Yog-Sothoth, since they would make such a cute couple. Just think of all the tentacles.
    2. We CPfCers will liken all unspeakably ugly things to Mick Jagger's face from now on; never Cthulhu.
  4. There is no Cthulhu but Cthulhu, and Chibthulhu is his true prophet.
Well, that's all folks. Hope enjoyed today's article - or as I call it: 'Y. S. Rice Finds Meaning'.

Agree or make a sanity check.
Actually, agree and make a sanity check.

Look at that adorable deity.

- Y. S. Rice

Monday, February 13, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Potato-Looking People

Hey guys! Caowin here, continuing his Handi-Incapable campaign. About a week ago, I saw a handicapped man hiding his disability, and this angered me greatly – so much that I had no choice but to launch a politically incorrect campaign to get the disabled to act more, you know, disabled.

First, I just want to thank Y. S. Rice for supporting this new campaign of mine, calling it “non-dickish,” which is a HUGE deal for him. Second off, I would like to announce that I plan on having brochures that you guys at home can print out. They will of course be discussing the ways the handi-incapable trick us into thinking they’re normal people, just like anyone else.

But most importantly, I want to talk about a Disabled-American who isn’t afraid to show off his inferiority. You see, I was about to watch Phantom Menace 3D with my aunt, uncle, and cousins, who are 7 and 5 years old. This is not at all because I am a pedophile, but is rather related to the fact that my aunt offered to take me for free, and since I am Jewish…

But enough about my flaws. So as I was sitting, waiting for the movie to start, I see what looks like an enormous potato being carted around in a wheelchair. I ignored it at first, but as it approached me, I noticed that it was not some sort of oversized tuberous crop but was in fact a humanoid creature, with an awkwardly shaped head, no neck, a fat body, and tiny, weak arms and legs. It looked sort of like this.

But more spudlike.
On behalf of this entire campaign, I want to give him my highest praises. This was not one of the ability-pretenders. He understood that no one is ever going to think of him as an equal, so why try? He truly was Handi-Incapable. Anyway, that's all for now. I promise, I'll have those brochures on this website soon, so you can alienate all your friends.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on the Handicapped

Hey, PublicU blog followers and fellow unintellectuals. Caowin here, ready to share my vast though slightly controversial wisdom on the important issues of the day, which usually manifests itself as a disdain for a randomly chosen minority.

But today, my antipathy towards a specific group is not without warrant. You see, as I was tabling for the College Republicans, I saw this guy rolling by in his wheelchair, legs spread out before him like he was some kind of fatass sitting at home in a couch.

Now, you guys know that I’m not one to judge people for being lazy unless they are a member of one of the inferior races. However, I was feeling especially judgmental today, so I joked to the fellow Republican next to me, “Hey, look at this guy. He thinks he’s so cool; doesn’t even have to sit straight.”

But what happened next blew my mind. As the guy in the wheel chair rolled on by, I noticed he was missing his left arm.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Where’d he put it?” But it was obvious that this guy was not a cyborg who simply misplaced a body part. Cyborgs are usually super muscular and partially metallic, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Terminator."

They can also be super sexy lesbians, but that goes without saying.

So the Republican says, “I bet you weren’t expecting that,” because by then I looked like a jerk making fun of a man with one appendage gone and two more completely useless.

But upon further contemplation, I realize that this is in no way my fault. I mean, this disabled asshole had the arm-length sleeve of his missing arm just hanging, so that one naturally assumes there’s an arm in there, only to realize that this sleeve is empty after one has already been a douchebag.

I mean, why do the disabled in this country think they can get away with not acting more, you know, disabled? They’re holding down jobs, becoming increasingly more mobile, and even – get this – leading the free world every now and then. It’s preposterous!

So I am spearheading a campaign to get the handicapped to show off their disabilities as much as possible. Tie up the sleeve with no arm in it. Make loud groans whenever going up a wheelchair ramp. Buy prosthetic limbs that double as a spatula or something, like in "Treasure Island." Anything to let the world know that you are:

Y. S. Rice is going to have to work on the graphics. I'm not really good with  graphics - just genius ideas.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A 'Fan' 'Essay' on 'Homosexuality' [The Kind that People Opt-Into, Apparently]

Hello, dearest readers,

This is your delightful writer, Y. S. Rice. Many of you know that I tend to attract those with extreme opinions on the subjects of the day - rape, evolution, and what Mitt Romney should be called. However, Caowin is not my only less-than-moderate associate. Recently, a woman who wishes to remain anonymous (referred to hereafter only as Shmabigayle Shmearson of Shmas Shmegas, Shmevada) wrote this article about homosexuality for publication on our super-popular blog. I would like to note that I have not edited this text at all, save for my few notes, which can be found in brackets, [like so].

I would further like to apologise for introducing you all to a second Caowinhim. Management insisted that we go ahead with publication, since "We have sunk far too much time and money into bringing this writer on-board just to throw her stuff away, you f*cking retard, Y. S. Rice. Lots of love, management". I don't understand how zero dollars, zero cents, and one tiny favour constitutes "Far too much money", but I wanna keep my job, so here goes nothing.

Hello, adoring (and somewhat stalker-ish) fans of Jester Antonio Caowinhim and Y. S. Rice! [Y. S. R. here - just making sure you understand how these editor’s notes work.] My name is not important, but I am in no way related to the editors I mentioned above. (If you’ve forgotten who I’m talking about, reread the first sentence.) 
This article is in objection to Homosexuals and their lifestyle. First of all, I don’t care whether you think homosexuality is a choice or if one is born with the sexual preference; it really doesn’t matter. Homosexuality is dangerous to one’s well-being.  
A look at the Bible will tell ya that.

  • “... Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.” (Jude 1:7 NIV) 
  • “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18 NIV) 
[I see a lot of text saying that sexual immorality is wrong (immorality is wrong? Go figure) but I don't see anything about homosexuality being sexual immorality. Take from that what you will.] 
Now, I don’t think God is going to rain hellfire and brimstone on you because you proclaim to be a homo, but I could be wrong. So, why take that chance?
Same-sex sexual relations are also harmful to one’s health. Don’t believe me? Check this site. I don’t have time to explain all of the problems that result from sex with others of the same gender. Nor do I want to bore you with facts, statics and too many numbers. Nevertheless, I do recommend you read the article I’ve linked here. [What's more, straight people are completely immune to sexually transmitted diseases - fact.]

However, I will tell you this... Gay and bisexual men are more at risk to have their lifespan shortened by 20 years than heterosexual men. Now, I don’t know about you, but to me, that seems like a significant loss in precious life. [I bet this has nothing to do with the fact that - because gay relations are not given the validation of marriage - gays are socially pressured into promiscuity. Or the fact that gays are regularly beaten, sometimes to death. That last link also serves a good example of how lenient UK law is.] 
Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention that I think is quite interesting... 
Prior to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, the men of Sodom were known to be homosexuals as they refused the virgin daughters of Lot for the sexual pleasures of the male angels that came to warn Lot and his family of the coming destruction. [The writer is here suggesting that the crowd should have raped Lot’s virginal daughters, because gang rape is totally better than being gay.] [Editor's Note: Caowinhim - OMG, true right?!? Read here for more of my thoughts on rape!] [Caowin! What are you doing here?] [Editor's Note: Caowinhim - I have editorial privileges too! Also, I got a raise!] [What?! Fuck you Caowin. Let me notarise this piece alone] [Editor's Note: Caowinhim - Okay Ricey, but the man upstairs (no homo) wanted me to remind you not to be too boring. Bye!] [Yeah right, like I'm ever boring...... Guys?]
When this mob of men became riotous, the angels pulled Lot into the house and closed the door. The angels then blinded the men trying to break down the door to Lot’s house. Similarly, syphilis, a disease transmitted through the practice of sodomy, if not treated can lead to blindness and cause one to go mad. [Please note: syphilis is in no way a gay disease. Only connection I can see is that it used to be 'cured' with that most mercurial of metals (mercury, if you seriously couldn't guess).] 
To conclude this article, if you so choose [yes, choose] the homosexual lifestyle, just be aware of the risks that come with having sex with someone of the same gender as you [SEE MY LINKS]. 
Until next time (but I doubt I’ll be invited to write again) [Oh, you will be.] 
This has been anonymously yours.
 - ******** ******* [Shmabigayle Shmearson, in case you forgot.]
So yeah, there you go. Enjoy the writing from a fresh face guys! Or at least enjoy my comments. I wouldn't personally mind if you just enjoyed my comments. Honestly, it's fine. It's also more likely.

No offence-o!

This has been, half-arsedly yours,

Y. S. Rice