Friday, January 6, 2012

Of Smart-Phones

Hello audience,

My calendar tells me that we have recently begun a new year: 2012 - The Year of the Apocalypse. At least that's what my most insane acquaintances believe. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. "You won't be saying that when all the good Mayan paganists are raptured into heaven and you're stuck here enduring endtimes."] The new year bit is, however, correct. Happy 2012! May it be less embarrassing than last year was (but we all know that isn't happening).

Now that we've gotten formalities out of the way, let me share a little joke that I discovered recently: ‎"Blackberries are for people who think they are important. iPhones are for people who think their phone is important."

Cue laughter. Or else.
This joke got me thinking though... Blackberries totally are for people who are self-important! And iPhone users are always the people who think the most of their pointless phones! But what, pray tell, is the Android user?

I'm sure you all know at least one Android phone user, but let me throw some pointless stats at you now - ones that you'll most likely skip over or forget anyway - 'cos that's the way Y. S. Rice rolls. HOLY ^*#^*$(%#&@$@*&! HELL!!! Apparently, Android controls 47% of the world market for mobile operating systems! Apple and it's omnipresent iOS is only at 28.7%, Blackberry has 16.6% of the market, and Windows-Wait-They-Do-Phones-Too?-OS is at a pathetic 5.2%. What's more, these numbers are from December 2011, so they're about as accurate as saying that Caowinhim is a bigot and a racist. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. Don't call me a bigot! That's a hateful word.] And let me tell you; there are a lot of iPhones out there. Heck, there's quite a few Blackberries too - Caowinhim owns one. Make of that what you will...

Point is, this huge lead in the market is a real home run for Linux!

Sigh... Cue these guys now. 
The chances are high that 99% of you people: A) don't know what Linux is, B) didn't know that Android was a port of Linux, C) A & B, or D) don't care one bit. In the case of D, I'm going to assume you're a fanboy (or girl) for one of the other smart-phone brands, so this article really isn't about you guys. As for the people who answered A, B, or C to the above question:
  • Linux is an open-source computer operating system, used mostly by people who are incredibly good with computers.
  • Yes, Android is a Linux smart-phone operating system.
  • Linux is an open-source computer operating system, used mostly by people who are incredibly good with computers; and yes, Android is a Linux smart-phone operating system.
respectively. So, yes, this should be a huge home run for Linux - here is a market wherein Linux is not only beating all of its competition, but indeed, a market wherein Linux is DESTROYING all of its competition. And yet, you didn't know that it was even doing that.

So, no, this is not a home run for Linux. This is a home run for Android phones, which - in the context of the above joke - are apparently for massive hypocrites. 

NOTE: Said hypocrites are not necessarily massive themselves.
[Editor's note: Caowinhim. "Don't be tricked into reading this next paragraph! It uses math, and Y. S. Rice summarizes it down below!"] How so? Well, let's assume that the majority of you are normal people. That means that statistically, 9/10 of you only know Linux as "that thing for hopeless virgins" (unfounded, by the way: my knowledge of Linux-shell commands gets all the ladies hot and bothered) if you even know what it is at all. Additionally, half of you own smart-phones. As stated already, nearly half of you that do own a smart-phone own an Android phone. So, that's 1/4 - still with me? No? Good, I'm just insulting you anyway. Since 1/4 is two and a half times the 1/10 of you who are more than vaguely familiar with desktop Linux, that means that more than half of all Android users think that Linux is for no-hopers. And yet you use Linux every day, and probably brag about how superior it is over the iPhone as well. I'll go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe, just maybe, one of you has even had sex in your life too... Possibly whilst texting all your friends about the awesome sex, using your awesome Linux powered phone. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. "For all those people who apparently didn't take my advice, fuck you."]

Even I got bored writing all those numbers up there, so...

tl;dr: most Android owners aren't aware that they use Linux, and they probably even believe Linux to be for super-nerds only. That is what a hypocrite is. Consider that argument won.

All of this bashing on Android users is not out of hatred, believe me. I'm absolutely certain that James Cameron owns an iPhone, and David Cameron is definitely a Blackberry user (or maybe Windows Phone??? Nah... Even he's above that). All of this is merely observation. Android users, please help get Linux understood by the masses. I am not a nerd; I am just 1337. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. "Wait, I thought you were only like 18."]

Oh, when I said it was just an observation, I was lying. It's also purest envy. I have a jailbroken, unlocked, iPhone 4 - yet still I yearn for that Android kernel to boot on my phone instead. You guys get all the cool apps, with none of the evil-empiresque restriction of Apple... By default. 

And then you don't even appreciate it 3/5 of the time.

I'm not angry at you guys. I'm just...

Feel the shame those eyes convey.
Feel that shame every time you use your phone.
Y. S. Rice

1 comment:

  1. It's because Androids have a good...whatchamacallit...gooey interface?