Monday, January 30, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Moon Colonies

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Bottom of the News, where your humble host Caowin takes a peek at the various bottoms that have become newsworthy. These segments used to focus on my former love, Mitt Romney, but ever since our messy breakup I refuse to talk about that posh sack of immorally-made money and jack Mormonism.

Rather I will discuss someone another newsy person – Newt Gingrich! Now, like I said in my last article, I’ve been trying to become more unintellectual on this blog, which I said should not include news items. But get this: Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the moon.

Nothing intellectual or even particularly smart about this.
I mean, he’s completely ignoring the cost of shipping building materials. And the difficulty of governing a colony that is so far away that light itself takes time to reach it. Or the problem of colonizing a place that doesn’t even have an atmosphere.

That’s exactly the kind of political spirit we need! I mean, you think Obama was the candidate of hope? His hopes were along the lines of “trying to fix a broken economy using commonly accepted Keynesian principles.” Come on, Obama. We need a president that literally shoots for the moon!

And my former love Mitt Romney – take a look at that pathetic, out-of-touch crony capitalist. His motto is “Believe in America,” and an important part of America is the pioneer spirit. But Gingrich is the only guy with any pioneer spirit left; he's beating Romney by Romney's own standard! I mean, unless Mitty Witty is unveiling a plan to build underwater colonies or something.

What Mitt Romney's new plan should be.
And Ron Paul! What sort of radical changes would he make? Remove troops from 130 countries? Panzy. Abolish the income tax? Lame. Legalize pot? Ha! Move over, Dr. Paul; Gingrich is the official “crazy Republican” now!

So I am now officially endorsing Newt Gingrich as my choice for President of these here United States. Not that asshole Mitt Romney who I am still mad at for doing - well he knows exactly what he did.

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