Welcome to this week’s installment of The Bottom of the News, where your humble host Caowin takes a peek at the various bottoms that have become newsworthy. These segments used to focus on my former love, Mitt Romney, but ever since our messy breakup I refuse to talk about that posh sack of immorally-made money and jack Mormonism.
Rather I will discuss someone another newsy person – Newt Gingrich! Now, like I said in my last article, I’ve been trying to become more unintellectual on this blog, which I said should not include news items. But get this: Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the moon.
|Nothing intellectual or even particularly smart about this.|
I mean, he’s completely ignoring the cost of shipping building materials. And the difficulty of governing a colony that is so far away that light itself takes time to reach it. Or the problem of colonizing a place that doesn’t even have an atmosphere.
That’s exactly the kind of political spirit we need! I mean, you think Obama was the candidate of hope? His hopes were along the lines of “trying to fix a broken economy using commonly accepted Keynesian principles.” Come on, Obama. We need a president that literally shoots for the moon!
And my former love Mitt Romney – take a look at that pathetic, out-of-touch crony capitalist. His motto is “Believe in America,” and an important part of America is the pioneer spirit. But Gingrich is the only guy with any pioneer spirit left; he's beating Romney by Romney's own standard! I mean, unless Mitty Witty is unveiling a plan to build underwater colonies or something.
|What Mitt Romney's new plan should be.|
And Ron Paul! What sort of radical changes would he make? Remove troops from 130 countries? Panzy. Abolish the income tax? Lame. Legalize pot? Ha! Move over, Dr. Paul; Gingrich is the official “crazy Republican” now!
So I am now officially endorsing Newt Gingrich as my choice for President of these here United States. Not that asshole Mitt Romney who I am still mad at for doing - well he knows exactly what he did.