Monday, January 30, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Moon Colonies

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Bottom of the News, where your humble host Caowin takes a peek at the various bottoms that have become newsworthy. These segments used to focus on my former love, Mitt Romney, but ever since our messy breakup I refuse to talk about that posh sack of immorally-made money and jack Mormonism.

Rather I will discuss someone another newsy person – Newt Gingrich! Now, like I said in my last article, I’ve been trying to become more unintellectual on this blog, which I said should not include news items. But get this: Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the moon.

Nothing intellectual or even particularly smart about this.
I mean, he’s completely ignoring the cost of shipping building materials. And the difficulty of governing a colony that is so far away that light itself takes time to reach it. Or the problem of colonizing a place that doesn’t even have an atmosphere.

That’s exactly the kind of political spirit we need! I mean, you think Obama was the candidate of hope? His hopes were along the lines of “trying to fix a broken economy using commonly accepted Keynesian principles.” Come on, Obama. We need a president that literally shoots for the moon!

And my former love Mitt Romney – take a look at that pathetic, out-of-touch crony capitalist. His motto is “Believe in America,” and an important part of America is the pioneer spirit. But Gingrich is the only guy with any pioneer spirit left; he's beating Romney by Romney's own standard! I mean, unless Mitty Witty is unveiling a plan to build underwater colonies or something.

What Mitt Romney's new plan should be.
And Ron Paul! What sort of radical changes would he make? Remove troops from 130 countries? Panzy. Abolish the income tax? Lame. Legalize pot? Ha! Move over, Dr. Paul; Gingrich is the official “crazy Republican” now!

So I am now officially endorsing Newt Gingrich as my choice for President of these here United States. Not that asshole Mitt Romney who I am still mad at for doing - well he knows exactly what he did.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

What Y. S. Rice Looks for in Ladies

Hi again,

Here is the post that I promised was in-bound today. After writing that brief dialogue, I was at a total loss of what to actually write about. I mean, the chief-editor told me to leave technology out of it - which basically means I can't write about a single thing I've been working on for the last few weeks. Unfortunately, HTML coding, python programming, and fixing various hardware malfunctions for my family all count as 'too nerdy' for my boss' tastes.
This is actually how I see the world when I wear my glasses.
When I finished researching how 0.9 repeating is actually equal to 1, I suddenly realised something I could write about! My bitter loneliness.

Now, before I commit myself entirely to the 'lonely nerd who does not have a life' stereotype, I would like to point out that I have in fact had intercourse approximately 4.25*10^2 times, which equates to an average time of 120.41666 hours spent hitting home runs (these statistics do not include my plethora 1st, 2nd, and 3rd base accomplishments). Basically, what I'm saying is that on the one hand I'm sad enough to have calculated these statistics, but on the other hand I'm cool enough to have actually lived these statistics.


For those of you who may no longer think of me as a 'total nerd', but rather a 'total jerkass nerd'; the original title of this piece was going to be "What Y. S. Rice looks for in Love", but that was just ambiguous enough to allow Caowin many opportunities to call me gay.

I assure you, this article goes out to all the classy women out there who want to start a truly meaningful relationship with a self-important vaguely intellectual blogger who you've never met.

If you somehow fit in that category of fictional person, you should also:

Share my Interests:
This one's a bit of a given really. I can't think of a single successful relationship (or cheesy relationship advice column) that hasn't got this. Unfortunately, most of my interests are atypically very guy-centric; however, at least they typically have more female appeal than the 'red-blooded American' genre of man-activities. Also, I'm less likely to be physically capable of raping, beating, or murdering you and hiding the body in Caowin's house - under his bed - than one of those 'athlete' types.
In all honesty, the only thing I hide under Caowin's bed is an old shag rug.
Oh, and my pirate radio broadcaster and non-logging proxy servers.
But, on a serious note, nothing gets me more interested than when a girl expresses genuine interest and awareness of my various hobbies. To me, "Oh, your code is so concise and... clean... and efficient!" is approximately equivalent to those porn-ads that talk about "I'm single and horny and in your local area, big boy". And if you yourself actually participate in any of my hobbies, then can we just cut the chit-chat and get married tomorrow? You can be my 30th level Enchantress any time (no 4th edition-o).

Another good thing would be:

Not Being Squeamish:
Now, I'm not Captain Anarchy myself - few things bug me more than hearing kids (under thirteens, pretty much) swearing. What's more, I don't exactly swear like a character from Pulp Fiction.
I do, however, absolutely love that film, and couldn't ever be with someone who finds the idea of a film with 429 swear words to be repulsive. My thinking is that everything that society at large detests has its place: swearing can be poetic (or hilarious, as in that video above. Seriously, I've watched it twice while writing this article); sexual relations feel good, are healthy, and continue the species; and controversy keeps our minds open and always thinking.

None of that is to say you must agree with me on all controversial issues themselves, but my perfect woman wouldn't shy away from such things. 'Nuff said.

Last, but not least, the perfect gal should be:

Now, this is a tricky thing to really hammer down. My co-writer, who you might know as Caowin (but I know as the guy who has had sex on about 425 fewer occasions than myself) has oft told me about this strange phenomenon known as "The Friend-Zone" - usually in the context of "Ouch Yaya, I just got friendzoned [sic] so hard". Being a huge fan of The Twilight Zone myself, I quickly did my research on the topic. I found, however, that the Friend-Zone is apparently a common and much-feared real world occurance. To save you the trouble I had to go through to find out about it, I'll summarize here:
When a (wo)man likes a hot (wo)man, the easiest way to ask him/her out is usually by becoming his/her friend first, then asking him/her out when the time is 'right'. Unfortunately, this time being 'right' thing usually takes a long time, and by the time the first (wo)man gets round to asking the other out, something bad has happened: the latter (wo)man now sees the former as 'just a friend', and is incapable of seeing their relationship 'going anywhere'. Therefore, they are forever stuck in the Friendship Zone.
Having never been 'Friend-zoned' myself, I have been utterly confused for the longest time - how could this problem ever arise? See an interesting girl, ask her out. Maybe get close to her first. Maybe get rejected. I see no zones, and I only see friendships in which they say yes. Then, the other day it hit me!

Caowin, being a blithering blabber-mouth just loves to blabber and blither to everyone he meets - especially the ones he can (entirely theoretically) sleep with. Therefore, when he meets a girl who isn't right for him but might have still given him the benefit of the doubt, he ruins it by revealing every facet of his insanity. Insanity is good, but when they've seen it all, what's left to keep them there? At that point they must decide whether or not they actually like a mental-conservative-religious-zealot-bigot.

Therefore, I have to admit that I prefer those who court me to be somewhat aloof at first. Obviously, this facade has to go away eventually for a relationship to work, but... If I know you inside and out as a friend, where is my motivation to 'get to know you better'? It's not possible, so why bother.

You've just been friend-zoned by a total geek. How does that make you feel?

Boss: Wow! That was different and punchy! Tell me, do you really believe the things that you've written  here?
YSR: About 66.7% of them. So you really like it?
Boss: God no - I was being sarcastic. I haven't read any of your filth since 2009.
YSR: But... I wasn't blogging in '09.
Boss: Cool. Your cheque's in the mail.
YSR: So I'm finally gonna see some of my money?
Boss: Nope, that was also sarcasm.
YSR: That's not how sarcasm even works...
Boss: Meh. Bye.
YSR: *sigh* Bye.

- Y. S. Rice

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Work: A Dialogue

Hello all,

Y. S. Rice here again. Apparently, or so my 'boss' tells me, I should take my writing here a bit more seriously. The conversation went something like this:

YSR: I should be more serious? I thought you hated how serious I was.
Boss: Hahaha! Of course I do! We all do. Society does.
YSR: So why do you want me to be more serious?
Boss: No, no, no... The board members don't want you to be more serious. They want you to take your job more seriously. 
YSR: Holy Hell. I have a job?
Boss: ...
YSR: Oh... You think that I think of this as my job, don't you?
Boss: You refer to me as your boss.
YSR: I can change that if you want.
Mook: That's not what I meant. We pay you, and in return we just ask that you write for us a bit more regularly.
YSR: You pay me in pretzels and stock options.
Mook: Hey, you eat food, right? So that's valuable. And stock options sure can make you unexpectedly wealthy.
YSR: What's our current net value?
Mook: Well, it's only been a few months, and we're still on a free blog and... 
YSR: You're right, I don't care. What's the value of my stock?
Mook: Well... About $13.90
YSR: So, I've worked for nearly six months and still haven't earned enough to buy a decent quantity of re-writable DVDs?
Mook: Point is, you're fired if you don't write something soon. 
YSR: Sad face. 
Mook: And no referring to me as a mook.
YSR: Genuine sad face.
Boss: That's more like it.

So, I'm gonna go ahead and write something sometime maybe. I, personally, am impressed by that level of commitment. I'll pull something brilliant out of my arse as soon as I finish my HTML coding project.

Boss: You're going to write something now. Caowin's way ahead of you in the volume of material he's put out.
YSR: But he's a bigoted moron!
Boss: We like him more. As I say, society also prefers him. He's brief and simple and funny. Give us something punchy, different, and personal. Oh, and no computers.
YSR: Can I talk about some of my favourite mathematical proofs then?
Boss: Go f*ck yourself.

I assume that's a resounding 'no'. Okay, so I'll write something for tomorrow, here and now.

To be Continued...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Caowin Gives Up

Now, I know that the vast majority of my readers gets all their news from me. I also know that a lot has happened in the news since I last informed you. Romney won New Hampshire with a landslide, a bomb killed an Iranian nuclear physicist, the new Spock came out as gay.

But I was thinking the other day, and talking about newsy things isn't particularly unintellectual. In fact, some would argue that it's almost like the definition of "intellectual," and if there's two words that scare me they're "intellectual" and "definition."

Now, some of you may be wondering, "Then why did you start doing all those intellectual things in the first place?" Well, it started when Yair told me to do that Top of the News article. And then I saw Mitty Witty, and I fell in love, and I was carried away by the throws of passion. But now I'm starting to realize that my love for Mitty Witty isn't what's best for me. He means a lot to me, but if loving Governor Romneykins means sacrificing my unintellectuality, then it's not worth it.

Of course, my cowriter is going to respond with, "You've done plenty of unintellectual things with your Mitt Romney articles!" [Editor's note - Y. S. Rice: You have done plenty of unintellectual things with all of your articles. Don't mistake that as praise.] But what was unintellectual about those articles? That they featured Mitt Romney in various provocative poses. But google has taken down those pictures, replacing them with giant exclamation points which would fool only the very naive into thinking it was a picture of Romney's penis.

So I'll be taking some much-needed me time in order to figure out where I am in my life and where I want to go, and also why Google would take down my vaguely homosexual pictures of Mitt Romney.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Of Smart-Phones

Hello audience,

My calendar tells me that we have recently begun a new year: 2012 - The Year of the Apocalypse. At least that's what my most insane acquaintances believe. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. "You won't be saying that when all the good Mayan paganists are raptured into heaven and you're stuck here enduring endtimes."] The new year bit is, however, correct. Happy 2012! May it be less embarrassing than last year was (but we all know that isn't happening).

Now that we've gotten formalities out of the way, let me share a little joke that I discovered recently: ‎"Blackberries are for people who think they are important. iPhones are for people who think their phone is important."

Cue laughter. Or else.
This joke got me thinking though... Blackberries totally are for people who are self-important! And iPhone users are always the people who think the most of their pointless phones! But what, pray tell, is the Android user?

I'm sure you all know at least one Android phone user, but let me throw some pointless stats at you now - ones that you'll most likely skip over or forget anyway - 'cos that's the way Y. S. Rice rolls. HOLY ^*#^*$(%#&@$@*&! HELL!!! Apparently, Android controls 47% of the world market for mobile operating systems! Apple and it's omnipresent iOS is only at 28.7%, Blackberry has 16.6% of the market, and Windows-Wait-They-Do-Phones-Too?-OS is at a pathetic 5.2%. What's more, these numbers are from December 2011, so they're about as accurate as saying that Caowinhim is a bigot and a racist. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. Don't call me a bigot! That's a hateful word.] And let me tell you; there are a lot of iPhones out there. Heck, there's quite a few Blackberries too - Caowinhim owns one. Make of that what you will...

Point is, this huge lead in the market is a real home run for Linux!

Sigh... Cue these guys now. 
The chances are high that 99% of you people: A) don't know what Linux is, B) didn't know that Android was a port of Linux, C) A & B, or D) don't care one bit. In the case of D, I'm going to assume you're a fanboy (or girl) for one of the other smart-phone brands, so this article really isn't about you guys. As for the people who answered A, B, or C to the above question:
  • Linux is an open-source computer operating system, used mostly by people who are incredibly good with computers.
  • Yes, Android is a Linux smart-phone operating system.
  • Linux is an open-source computer operating system, used mostly by people who are incredibly good with computers; and yes, Android is a Linux smart-phone operating system.
respectively. So, yes, this should be a huge home run for Linux - here is a market wherein Linux is not only beating all of its competition, but indeed, a market wherein Linux is DESTROYING all of its competition. And yet, you didn't know that it was even doing that.

So, no, this is not a home run for Linux. This is a home run for Android phones, which - in the context of the above joke - are apparently for massive hypocrites. 

NOTE: Said hypocrites are not necessarily massive themselves.
[Editor's note: Caowinhim. "Don't be tricked into reading this next paragraph! It uses math, and Y. S. Rice summarizes it down below!"] How so? Well, let's assume that the majority of you are normal people. That means that statistically, 9/10 of you only know Linux as "that thing for hopeless virgins" (unfounded, by the way: my knowledge of Linux-shell commands gets all the ladies hot and bothered) if you even know what it is at all. Additionally, half of you own smart-phones. As stated already, nearly half of you that do own a smart-phone own an Android phone. So, that's 1/4 - still with me? No? Good, I'm just insulting you anyway. Since 1/4 is two and a half times the 1/10 of you who are more than vaguely familiar with desktop Linux, that means that more than half of all Android users think that Linux is for no-hopers. And yet you use Linux every day, and probably brag about how superior it is over the iPhone as well. I'll go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe, just maybe, one of you has even had sex in your life too... Possibly whilst texting all your friends about the awesome sex, using your awesome Linux powered phone. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. "For all those people who apparently didn't take my advice, fuck you."]

Even I got bored writing all those numbers up there, so...

tl;dr: most Android owners aren't aware that they use Linux, and they probably even believe Linux to be for super-nerds only. That is what a hypocrite is. Consider that argument won.

All of this bashing on Android users is not out of hatred, believe me. I'm absolutely certain that James Cameron owns an iPhone, and David Cameron is definitely a Blackberry user (or maybe Windows Phone??? Nah... Even he's above that). All of this is merely observation. Android users, please help get Linux understood by the masses. I am not a nerd; I am just 1337. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. "Wait, I thought you were only like 18."]

Oh, when I said it was just an observation, I was lying. It's also purest envy. I have a jailbroken, unlocked, iPhone 4 - yet still I yearn for that Android kernel to boot on my phone instead. You guys get all the cool apps, with none of the evil-empiresque restriction of Apple... By default. 

And then you don't even appreciate it 3/5 of the time.

I'm not angry at you guys. I'm just...

Feel the shame those eyes convey.
Feel that shame every time you use your phone.
Y. S. Rice