Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Conversations

So APPARENTLY Y. S. Rice thinks I need to stop starting my posts with "Hey." Of course, I told him, "But it reminds the viewers that I'm a fun, casual guy and that my posts are less like news articles and more like a conversation with a friend that always has something interesting and discriminatory to say."

"Right," Y. S. Rice responded, but in that tone he uses when he's saying something he doesn't believe. I think he calls it "sarcasm," although there's only one kind of "asm" I'm interested in and I am NOT doing it with a dude.

But of course, that's the problem with having conversations with inferior people, who don't quite think on your level. They interpret your "awesome ideas" as "stupid ideas" because said inferior people just aren't smart/creative/racist enough to understand how awesome your ideas really are.

Which brings us to what this article is all about - a conversation. Not one that I had with anyone, but rather one that I found on Youtube. I posted it on the bottom of this page if you want to watch it. Or you could just figure out what it was about from reading this, which I know my lazy unintellectuals prefer.

It's from this show where you judge people and the point is to show how racist you really are. And in the middle of a seemingly pleasant conversation about some random black "person" (as they are misleadingly called) one guy admits that he wouldn't hire the guy because he's black.
Would you hire these people?
And here's the thing: the guy saying this is Polynesian, or as I like to call them, "island niggers." (They like me to call them that, too.) This guy admits the inferiority of the non-Aryan races AS A MEMBER OF A NON-ARYAN RACE. You know how awesome that is?

This Polynesian says that he doesn't like black "people" because they have a sense of entitlement. Of course, one of the blacks there starts complaining about how racism is like bad or something, proving only that he thinks he's entitled to stuff like rights. But the face the Polynesian guy makes in response to this (shown at 3:10) is absolutely priceless. You can practically hear him thinking, "It's like Martin Luther King Day all over again!"

Of course my favorite moment is actually a bit before this. The black guy blabbing on about his rights says something along the lines of "It's like if I didn't give money to white homeless people." And then it sounds like our Polynesian hero says "That's because you're Jewish." That makes him a third level racist!

What does that mean? Let me explain.

First level racism is understanding the inherent superiority of lighter skin. You might act on this understanding, not giving cab rides to non-whites, or by simply hunting down any dark-skinned person who might have a bag of skittles. (Bang!)

You become a second level racist when you know WHY darker skinned people are so inferior. This is where I thought the Polynesian guy was, because he knew that all black people have a sense of entitlement. He would also know, of course, that Mexicans are lazy, Arabs blow up planes, and Asians spend all day studying math because their penises are too small to masturbate with.

You reach the third level when you realize that, not only do all minorities fit their stereotype, but that everyone that fits the stereotype is a member of that minority. For example, when the Polynesian suggested that everyone that is stingy is Jewish. This is of course the top of the racist pyramid. It's like the racist version of self-actualization.

But this black guy in the video obviously doesn't care how enlightened this Polynesian man is. All this black guy cares about is pushing his bigoted anti-racist views, and trying to make our poor Polynesian hero feel bad about himself.

Also he probably really cares about fried chicken.


No, I don't have a caption for the video. If you' want to know
my thoughts on it, go back and read the fucking article.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Caowin's Editorial Written in an Adult Arcade

That's right. I'm actually typing this from inside an adult arcade. You must be thinking "What the fuck?" but let me explain. You see, an adultarcade is a little booth where people pay to watch porn and masturbate. “So you mean to tell me that you have your laptop with youbut you PAID to watch porn and masturbate anyway?”

Well, it was an experience. They’ve got like 200 videos toscroll through, including some preggo porn (which was still not as disgustingas the ebony – ew), and it was nice not waiting for the videos to load. But theproblem was it cost a dollar for 10 minutes, but I only had a five dollar bill,so even though I already finished I’m stuck in here for another 49 minutes andI need something to do. I could always leave, but that would mean I wasted money,something we Jews do not like to do.

Besides, it’s a really great place to write. No one canbother you, they have just enough light for you to be able to see, and there’sno distractions. Well, except for the porn and all, but I turned it onto this romanticscene with really cheerful piano music, so it’s more relaxing than anythingelse.

Imagine people doing it to this

So where are you? Hopefully not in an adult arcade, becausethat would mean that they are now using my writing as pornography, which itclearly is NOT.

(As a side note, this is the most fucking artistic porn I’veever watched. The scene keeps on cutting in this supercool, jarring, almost postmodernway, and the lighting is all dark and weird. I’m half tempted to buy the videojust so I can share its eerily non-erotic beauty with you guys.)

NO CAOWIN STOP TALKING ABOUT PORN YOU HAVE TO FOCUS. Okay,I’m focusing. So as you probably have not heard because you guys are a bunch ofidiots who don’t watch the news, Chen Guangcheng, a Chinese activist who wasunder house arrest after having served thirty years in prison, escaped and isprobably now in an American Embassy.

And the tale of his escape is the awesomest one I’ve everheard. He faked illness to lull the guards surrounding his house into a falsesense of security. Then, in the cover of the night, he sneaked around all thoseguards, presumably using his Chinese ninja skills. [Editor’s note: Rice –Ninjas are Japanese you racist.] He then ran until he could run no more, whichis when his friends picked him up and drove him to the American embassy.

Now you would think this guy sounds like a real hero, likethe kind of guy I can approve of. Sure, he’s yellow, but he was standing up toother yellow people, so it evens it out, right? Wrong. Because this supercoolfreedom fighter was also handi-incapable.

Yeah, that’s right. Chen Guangcheng is blind as a bat, andhas been since he was a child. Far from being the archetypal Caowinian hero,this Chen guy is actually the greatest enemy that I and my Handi-Incapablecampaign have ever seen.

I mean, handicapped doctors, lawyers and bankers can all beexplained away. Those are mental careers, and the people who normally do them(Jews) aren’t the strongest among us anyway. But running away from evil guardsis TOTALLY something that the able-bodied should have an edge over thehandi-incapable on. How are you supposed to see where you’re going when youCAN’T FUCKING SEE?

And to think America is stuck between a rock and a hardplace – having to either give up a political prisoner to an evil government orrisk infuriating said evil government – all because some cripple wanted to beawesome. So anyway, that was this unintellectual hero’s two cents on thatChinese hero’s two broken eyes. Remember to fight impairment dishonesty and havean amazingly unintellectual day!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Caowin's Note from the Writers

Recently I’ve received word that there is some speculation about why Y. S. Rice and I haven’t been updating the blog regularly in the last few months. And I’m sure you unintellectuals are filled with questions: What’s wrong? Are you guys being chased down by the government? Has one of you fell into the coma, forcing the other one to shoulder all writing responsibilities as well as actually work a real job too?

Some of you might even be wondering, “Who’s been doing all this speculation?” And that’s a pretty self-reflexive, postmodern question. “No, seriously,” you might say, “no one reads your blog except for a few friends who know what you guys do at all times anyway because it’s on Facebook.”

So I feel like I owe you guys an explanation. You see, when a mommy cowriter and a daddy cowriter love each other very much, the daddy cowriter (in this case, yours truly) rams his opinion roughly and insensitively into the mommy cowriter’s (Y. S. Rice, of course) sense of sarcasm. At first, the mommy cowriter bleeds, but after a while, she realizes that the world is run by people just like Caowin and gives up hope. This is why they call it losing your innocence. This is how blogs are made.

Well, anyway, when writers get older, sometimes it gets harder for the daddy cowriter to get his dickishness up. Sometimes mommy is feeling too tired to actively hate Caowin, and all she wants to do is lie there and wait for Caowin to finish so she can roll over. Or sometimes she even closes her eyes and pretends she’s hating David Cameron instead.

I had a point to this. Oh yeah, what we’ve been doing.

Yeah. Well, Y. S. Rice and I have just been taking a break in our no homo co-writing relationship in order to work some things out. Just see it like that, kids. This doesn’t mean we don’t love you, and this is in no way your fault. We’ll work things out and get back into our writing schedule soon enough.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Joseph Kony 2012

Hey, unintellectuals. It's your humble servant Caowin here. How are you? That's good/bad/whatever. I'm feeling pretty inspired, thanks for asking.

Why am I so inspired? Well I just saw the Kony 2012 video, which is about (I think I'm supposed to avoid spoiling what the video is actually about, but the thing is twenty-seven minutes long, so I'll spare you the torture of having to watch it) this dude named Joseph Kony (who doesn't come up until 8:46) who apparently is a bad man.

Now, if you're anything like me, you're thinking, "So what? There's lots of bad people on this earth." And if you're anything like Y. S. Rice, you're also thinking, "Yeah, like David, James and Kirk Cameron!"

But this Kony guy is like, especially bad. Like, worse than all three Camerons combined. You see, as the filmmaker explains around 10:05, Joseph Kony "has, um, an army, okay? And what he does is he takes children from their parents, and he gives them a gun, to shoot, and he makes them shoot and kill other people...they don't want to do what he says, but he forces them to do bad things."

And right now, you're probably thinking, "Hehe, 'he forces them to do bad things' sounds sexual. But in all seriousness, I guess that this Joseph Kony guy is like bad and stuff. So I guess the question is, 'Why do I care?'"

Well, for starters, at about 10:35 an adorable little blonde kid said that it made him "sad." There was also Jacob, who had a little panic attack around minute 5 (I don't really remember; I was busy writing an article about why I didn't care.)

But other than that, it really doesn't affect you. The author even admitted at 14:02, "our national security and financial interests are not at stake." I mean, it takes place all the way in Africa. And all the people involved seem...well, you know... I'm not saying I don't care about black people, but, you know, shmi shmon't shmare shmabout shmack smeople.
Something about this is easy to be apathetic about.
But despite all this, I found the tale of how one man fought to spread his message inspiring because I, too, am a man fighting to spread a message: that's what my Handi-Incapable campaign is all about. It is this spirit of inspiration that got me to finally finish my brochure.

Remember, everything you do to bring awareness to Impairment Dishonesty helps. Print out the brochure here and give it to your friends. Post a link to on your favorite social media site. Just point out cripples wherever you see them. And I'll do my part too. I'll start posting semi-regularly on stuff relevant to this campaign. Maybe like every Wednesday. I've got nothing better to do.

Well then it's settled! Now go out, spread the good word.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Caowin's Second Apology

Readers! How you guys been? Pursuing unintellectuality in your personal lives? Good, good, good... How have the children been? Oh, you don't have children? Oh, you're barren? Oh... How's the womb version of a desert then?

Y. S. Rice just told me to get back to the point.

You see, I really don't like apologizing. But apparently my suggestion that women nag and complain while men do manly things offended some people. Well, if you consider feminists people.

They were angry because apparently relationships between men and women should be marked by equality, cooperation, and mutual respect, rather than annoyance and disregard for the fairer sex. (Like those icky feminazis would know. I wouldn't touch one of those unshaven fatties if they were the closest thing to a real girl left on Earth.)

And I have to admit, I sort of agree. Relationships between men and women shouldn't be all about the woman trying to crush the man's spirit, taking away everything that gives the man meaning whilst simultaneously forcing unto him activities that he finds not only uninteresting, but also humiliating and emasculating.

It shouldn't be like that, Katie you whore. But I guess it's inevitable. It's like that old saying: Men are from Mars; women are from R'lyeh where they, alongside Cthulhu, inspire all the fear, anxiety and anger of mankind.

Anyway, while this is clearly the truth and anyone who says otherwise is either a woman trying to suck out the soul of a man, or a man whose soul has already been sucked out by a woman, I apologize for saying it.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Santorum's Marriage Policy

Today we are here to talk about marriage. Now, anyone that knows me knows that I am radically anti-marriage. Every since that stupid whore Katie broke my heart I've understood that anyone that says they love you is probably lying to you in order to get you to spend loads of money on them. But we're actually talking about politicians, and which ones will protect marriage from those who would make it homo.
But if they're both the same gender, how do they know which one complains that they never go out anymore while the other one tries to watch the game?

You guys might not know this about me, but I’ve recently become a Gingrich supporter. I like his debating skills, his moon colony idea, and his shape, which reminds me of one of the best movie scenes of all time.

Actual picture of Gingrich's first attempt at dealing with the godlessness in cities like New York.
But recently , I’ve been getting the frothy appeal of Santorum. He understands that gay marriage, even more than every other form of marriage, is an abomination and a perversion of human nature.

And I like this about him, although I originally felt he doesn't take it far enough. I mean, the Bible doesn't say just any old man and woman can get married. It says it has to be one Christian man and one Christian woman. And for those of you who are like, "That's not fair to Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddists and Sikhs!", I disagree. Those non-Christian people can still get married. They just have to convert first.

And what about nonvirgin women? The Bible clearly says a woman's wedding night should be her first time, and I agree with this because when you find out that a girl you like has been spoiled by another man's cum, it ruins your relationship with them. Cough, cough, Katie. Cough.

I mean, how can I even get it up knowing that, far from going where no man has gone before, that the shoes I'm about to put on (so to speak) have already been worn a thousand times by somebody with much bigger feet than I could ever dream of having. How could you do this to me, Katie? If you waste your first time with a non-husband person, you deserve to die alone. You hear me Katie?

The only argument I can see against this position is that the wedding night will be terrible unless you've got some experience. But that's part of what makes it special - how miserable it makes you. Besides, ladies, there's plenty of time to practice [Editor's note: Rice - Says the man who has had sex about 425 times less than I have.]

Of course, when Santorum gave a speech declaring that he was going to fight Satan's hold on America, I knew that he would get to these other Christian battles eventually. You see, Santorum understands that Satan is trying to get our country to do evil things.

"Like wage violent wars?" you might be thinking. No, Santorum is fine with war, supporting the ones in Afghanistan and Iraq, and vowing to bomb Iran.

"Oh, so he means taking government support away from poor people." you probably said. Not that either. Santorum understood "the poor; for yours is the kingdom of God" to be a turn of phrase. What kind of God would actually turn their kingdom over to icky poor people.

Rather, Santorum was referring to gay marriage, a much greater evil than war and greed combined. It was this great evil that Santorum referred to when he said: "The Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies, Satan, would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country -- the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?"

Yes, Santorum, the Satan does have his sights on this country. And it is up to all Americans to make sure peace and charity reign.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Cool People for Cthulhu

Yo yo homies,

No, I'm just kidding. Hello dear readers - Y. S. Rice here. I recently made the mistake of actually reading this blog in my free time the other day, when I noticed that Coawin was heading a vaguely dickish but surprisingly lofty social crusade. My first thought was naturally 'Man, fuck Caowinhim', but - sure enough - my second thought was 'Man, fuck social crusades'. Having cast aside the obvious bait, I decided to go back to doing what I always do in my free time.

FYI to all you ladies: That's not an arm going into my jeans.
Think about it.
Hahahahahahaha, no. My main hobby is actually Googleing for funny pictures [Editor's note - Caowinhim: No homo]. That's how I found that picture, and pretty much every picture in every post I've ever made on this blog, but it's also a great source of entertainment... Until I found this:

Do you move like Jagger?

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!


Oh yeah, it's Mick Jagger, who I imagine has won the much-respected Academy Award for supreme ugliness every year since it's introduction (it was introduced the year Mick Jagger was born). Seriously, this creature can not be human - which, if you think about it, is how the following train of thought kicked off: I would literally rather have sex with Cthulhu than see this picture ever again -> Wait, why is Cthulhu my go-to ugly guy? -> Mr. Jagger here has set the bar even higher than him, after all. -> It's kinda unfair that Cthulhu gets likened to people as ugly as Mick Jagger -> Plus Cthulhu might be female, which at least adds a couple percent of beauty -> Cthulhu is not that ugly! -> We need to save Cthulhu! 

For those of you who may not know Cthulhu well, or wish to know more about the guy, here are...

The Facts on Cthulhu:

  • He has the attractive qualities of fish-men, octopuses*, and dragons. In case you think dragons are pretty sexy (like I do), let's get this straight - here's a picture of our guy:
  • His dry spell can be measured in ice ages.
  • He is the face of the popular roleplaying game, The Call of Cthulhu, but has made celebrity guest appearances on such shows as South Park and The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy (he only did the latter because he owed the writer of that episode a favour). 
    • In his capacity as arch-villain of most Call of Cthulhu games, Cthulhu has been alternatively thwarted, nuked (pointlessly), and shot into space by many creative investigators over the years.
    • Cthulhu, being the only Cthulhu in the universe, is a ridiculously endangered species. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. Who is near impossible to destroy.]
  • His dad was the amazing horror writer and uber-racist, H. P. Lovecraft. He has no mother. 
    • Despite Cthulhu's immortality, Lovecraft himself died quite a while ago, making Cthulhu an orphan. You dicks just love nuking orphans, don't you? [Editor's note - Caowinhim: So what?]
  • Cthulhu only has one wish in the whole world (to destroy the whole world (for no reason), but that's not important). Such lowly desires should be rewarded; not punished.
  • Oh yeah, and Cthulhu's a God. Sure, he's a God of chaos for chaos' sake, but still... Is he really that different from Jesus? They both seem to have pretty unrealistic expectations of humankind, and both have an interest in human souls (the latter for redemption and the former for consumption). 
    • That's similar enough for me. 
Now, since when is it cool to keep picking on hideous, constantly bullied, orphans of endangered species? That is exactly why I am officially starting my own social crusade: Y. S. Rice's Cool People for Cthulhu Campaign. If you are a good person wanting to protect a nearly-extinct species, then like this post. If you are a kind soul who wants to take pity on an unfortunate creature, like this page. If you are a Godless heathen looking for a new (ancient) God, like this page. Most importantly, if you are a cultist who worships the forces of evil and hatred the world over, like this page, +1 it, and then Tweet about it.

CPfC (Cool People for Cthulhu) aims to advance the following ideals:
  1. Cthulhu is a hideously misunderstood creature; all he wants is to destroy all evil in the universe (which, unfortunately, is only found on Earth - all over Earth. It's all of us. You know it's true.)
  2. Cthulhu is not hideous. There's somebody out there for everybody, right? At least that's what Caowin tells me [Editor's note - Caowinhim: It's also what I tell all my fat friends! Jk lol, why would I have fat friends?]
  3. Little known fact: at the end of Apocalypse Now, he was actually
    just thinking about our sexy pairing of the Gods.
    1. Further, it is CPfC's aim to ship Cthulhu and Yog-Sothoth, since they would make such a cute couple. Just think of all the tentacles.
    2. We CPfCers will liken all unspeakably ugly things to Mick Jagger's face from now on; never Cthulhu.
  4. There is no Cthulhu but Cthulhu, and Chibthulhu is his true prophet.
Well, that's all folks. Hope enjoyed today's article - or as I call it: 'Y. S. Rice Finds Meaning'.

Agree or make a sanity check.
Actually, agree and make a sanity check.

Look at that adorable deity.

- Y. S. Rice

Monday, February 13, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Potato-Looking People

Hey guys! Caowin here, continuing his Handi-Incapable campaign. About a week ago, I saw a handicapped man hiding his disability, and this angered me greatly – so much that I had no choice but to launch a politically incorrect campaign to get the disabled to act more, you know, disabled.

First, I just want to thank Y. S. Rice for supporting this new campaign of mine, calling it “non-dickish,” which is a HUGE deal for him. Second off, I would like to announce that I plan on having brochures that you guys at home can print out. They will of course be discussing the ways the handi-incapable trick us into thinking they’re normal people, just like anyone else.

But most importantly, I want to talk about a Disabled-American who isn’t afraid to show off his inferiority. You see, I was about to watch Phantom Menace 3D with my aunt, uncle, and cousins, who are 7 and 5 years old. This is not at all because I am a pedophile, but is rather related to the fact that my aunt offered to take me for free, and since I am Jewish…

But enough about my flaws. So as I was sitting, waiting for the movie to start, I see what looks like an enormous potato being carted around in a wheelchair. I ignored it at first, but as it approached me, I noticed that it was not some sort of oversized tuberous crop but was in fact a humanoid creature, with an awkwardly shaped head, no neck, a fat body, and tiny, weak arms and legs. It looked sort of like this.

But more spudlike.
On behalf of this entire campaign, I want to give him my highest praises. This was not one of the ability-pretenders. He understood that no one is ever going to think of him as an equal, so why try? He truly was Handi-Incapable. Anyway, that's all for now. I promise, I'll have those brochures on this website soon, so you can alienate all your friends.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on the Handicapped

Hey, PublicU blog followers and fellow unintellectuals. Caowin here, ready to share my vast though slightly controversial wisdom on the important issues of the day, which usually manifests itself as a disdain for a randomly chosen minority.

But today, my antipathy towards a specific group is not without warrant. You see, as I was tabling for the College Republicans, I saw this guy rolling by in his wheelchair, legs spread out before him like he was some kind of fatass sitting at home in a couch.

Now, you guys know that I’m not one to judge people for being lazy unless they are a member of one of the inferior races. However, I was feeling especially judgmental today, so I joked to the fellow Republican next to me, “Hey, look at this guy. He thinks he’s so cool; doesn’t even have to sit straight.”

But what happened next blew my mind. As the guy in the wheel chair rolled on by, I noticed he was missing his left arm.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Where’d he put it?” But it was obvious that this guy was not a cyborg who simply misplaced a body part. Cyborgs are usually super muscular and partially metallic, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Terminator."

They can also be super sexy lesbians, but that goes without saying.

So the Republican says, “I bet you weren’t expecting that,” because by then I looked like a jerk making fun of a man with one appendage gone and two more completely useless.

But upon further contemplation, I realize that this is in no way my fault. I mean, this disabled asshole had the arm-length sleeve of his missing arm just hanging, so that one naturally assumes there’s an arm in there, only to realize that this sleeve is empty after one has already been a douchebag.

I mean, why do the disabled in this country think they can get away with not acting more, you know, disabled? They’re holding down jobs, becoming increasingly more mobile, and even – get this – leading the free world every now and then. It’s preposterous!

So I am spearheading a campaign to get the handicapped to show off their disabilities as much as possible. Tie up the sleeve with no arm in it. Make loud groans whenever going up a wheelchair ramp. Buy prosthetic limbs that double as a spatula or something, like in "Treasure Island." Anything to let the world know that you are:

Y. S. Rice is going to have to work on the graphics. I'm not really good with  graphics - just genius ideas.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A 'Fan' 'Essay' on 'Homosexuality' [The Kind that People Opt-Into, Apparently]

Hello, dearest readers,

This is your delightful writer, Y. S. Rice. Many of you know that I tend to attract those with extreme opinions on the subjects of the day - rape, evolution, and what Mitt Romney should be called. However, Caowin is not my only less-than-moderate associate. Recently, a woman who wishes to remain anonymous (referred to hereafter only as Shmabigayle Shmearson of Shmas Shmegas, Shmevada) wrote this article about homosexuality for publication on our super-popular blog. I would like to note that I have not edited this text at all, save for my few notes, which can be found in brackets, [like so].

I would further like to apologise for introducing you all to a second Caowinhim. Management insisted that we go ahead with publication, since "We have sunk far too much time and money into bringing this writer on-board just to throw her stuff away, you f*cking retard, Y. S. Rice. Lots of love, management". I don't understand how zero dollars, zero cents, and one tiny favour constitutes "Far too much money", but I wanna keep my job, so here goes nothing.

Hello, adoring (and somewhat stalker-ish) fans of Jester Antonio Caowinhim and Y. S. Rice! [Y. S. R. here - just making sure you understand how these editor’s notes work.] My name is not important, but I am in no way related to the editors I mentioned above. (If you’ve forgotten who I’m talking about, reread the first sentence.) 
This article is in objection to Homosexuals and their lifestyle. First of all, I don’t care whether you think homosexuality is a choice or if one is born with the sexual preference; it really doesn’t matter. Homosexuality is dangerous to one’s well-being.  
A look at the Bible will tell ya that.

  • “... Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.” (Jude 1:7 NIV) 
  • “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18 NIV) 
[I see a lot of text saying that sexual immorality is wrong (immorality is wrong? Go figure) but I don't see anything about homosexuality being sexual immorality. Take from that what you will.] 
Now, I don’t think God is going to rain hellfire and brimstone on you because you proclaim to be a homo, but I could be wrong. So, why take that chance?
Same-sex sexual relations are also harmful to one’s health. Don’t believe me? Check this site. I don’t have time to explain all of the problems that result from sex with others of the same gender. Nor do I want to bore you with facts, statics and too many numbers. Nevertheless, I do recommend you read the article I’ve linked here. [What's more, straight people are completely immune to sexually transmitted diseases - fact.]

However, I will tell you this... Gay and bisexual men are more at risk to have their lifespan shortened by 20 years than heterosexual men. Now, I don’t know about you, but to me, that seems like a significant loss in precious life. [I bet this has nothing to do with the fact that - because gay relations are not given the validation of marriage - gays are socially pressured into promiscuity. Or the fact that gays are regularly beaten, sometimes to death. That last link also serves a good example of how lenient UK law is.] 
Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention that I think is quite interesting... 
Prior to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, the men of Sodom were known to be homosexuals as they refused the virgin daughters of Lot for the sexual pleasures of the male angels that came to warn Lot and his family of the coming destruction. [The writer is here suggesting that the crowd should have raped Lot’s virginal daughters, because gang rape is totally better than being gay.] [Editor's Note: Caowinhim - OMG, true right?!? Read here for more of my thoughts on rape!] [Caowin! What are you doing here?] [Editor's Note: Caowinhim - I have editorial privileges too! Also, I got a raise!] [What?! Fuck you Caowin. Let me notarise this piece alone] [Editor's Note: Caowinhim - Okay Ricey, but the man upstairs (no homo) wanted me to remind you not to be too boring. Bye!] [Yeah right, like I'm ever boring...... Guys?]
When this mob of men became riotous, the angels pulled Lot into the house and closed the door. The angels then blinded the men trying to break down the door to Lot’s house. Similarly, syphilis, a disease transmitted through the practice of sodomy, if not treated can lead to blindness and cause one to go mad. [Please note: syphilis is in no way a gay disease. Only connection I can see is that it used to be 'cured' with that most mercurial of metals (mercury, if you seriously couldn't guess).] 
To conclude this article, if you so choose [yes, choose] the homosexual lifestyle, just be aware of the risks that come with having sex with someone of the same gender as you [SEE MY LINKS]. 
Until next time (but I doubt I’ll be invited to write again) [Oh, you will be.] 
This has been anonymously yours.
 - ******** ******* [Shmabigayle Shmearson, in case you forgot.]
So yeah, there you go. Enjoy the writing from a fresh face guys! Or at least enjoy my comments. I wouldn't personally mind if you just enjoyed my comments. Honestly, it's fine. It's also more likely.

No offence-o!

This has been, half-arsedly yours,

Y. S. Rice 

Monday, January 30, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Moon Colonies

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Bottom of the News, where your humble host Caowin takes a peek at the various bottoms that have become newsworthy. These segments used to focus on my former love, Mitt Romney, but ever since our messy breakup I refuse to talk about that posh sack of immorally-made money and jack Mormonism.

Rather I will discuss someone another newsy person – Newt Gingrich! Now, like I said in my last article, I’ve been trying to become more unintellectual on this blog, which I said should not include news items. But get this: Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the moon.

Nothing intellectual or even particularly smart about this.
I mean, he’s completely ignoring the cost of shipping building materials. And the difficulty of governing a colony that is so far away that light itself takes time to reach it. Or the problem of colonizing a place that doesn’t even have an atmosphere.

That’s exactly the kind of political spirit we need! I mean, you think Obama was the candidate of hope? His hopes were along the lines of “trying to fix a broken economy using commonly accepted Keynesian principles.” Come on, Obama. We need a president that literally shoots for the moon!

And my former love Mitt Romney – take a look at that pathetic, out-of-touch crony capitalist. His motto is “Believe in America,” and an important part of America is the pioneer spirit. But Gingrich is the only guy with any pioneer spirit left; he's beating Romney by Romney's own standard! I mean, unless Mitty Witty is unveiling a plan to build underwater colonies or something.

What Mitt Romney's new plan should be.
And Ron Paul! What sort of radical changes would he make? Remove troops from 130 countries? Panzy. Abolish the income tax? Lame. Legalize pot? Ha! Move over, Dr. Paul; Gingrich is the official “crazy Republican” now!

So I am now officially endorsing Newt Gingrich as my choice for President of these here United States. Not that asshole Mitt Romney who I am still mad at for doing - well he knows exactly what he did.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

What Y. S. Rice Looks for in Ladies

Hi again,

Here is the post that I promised was in-bound today. After writing that brief dialogue, I was at a total loss of what to actually write about. I mean, the chief-editor told me to leave technology out of it - which basically means I can't write about a single thing I've been working on for the last few weeks. Unfortunately, HTML coding, python programming, and fixing various hardware malfunctions for my family all count as 'too nerdy' for my boss' tastes.
This is actually how I see the world when I wear my glasses.
When I finished researching how 0.9 repeating is actually equal to 1, I suddenly realised something I could write about! My bitter loneliness.

Now, before I commit myself entirely to the 'lonely nerd who does not have a life' stereotype, I would like to point out that I have in fact had intercourse approximately 4.25*10^2 times, which equates to an average time of 120.41666 hours spent hitting home runs (these statistics do not include my plethora 1st, 2nd, and 3rd base accomplishments). Basically, what I'm saying is that on the one hand I'm sad enough to have calculated these statistics, but on the other hand I'm cool enough to have actually lived these statistics.


For those of you who may no longer think of me as a 'total nerd', but rather a 'total jerkass nerd'; the original title of this piece was going to be "What Y. S. Rice looks for in Love", but that was just ambiguous enough to allow Caowin many opportunities to call me gay.

I assure you, this article goes out to all the classy women out there who want to start a truly meaningful relationship with a self-important vaguely intellectual blogger who you've never met.

If you somehow fit in that category of fictional person, you should also:

Share my Interests:
This one's a bit of a given really. I can't think of a single successful relationship (or cheesy relationship advice column) that hasn't got this. Unfortunately, most of my interests are atypically very guy-centric; however, at least they typically have more female appeal than the 'red-blooded American' genre of man-activities. Also, I'm less likely to be physically capable of raping, beating, or murdering you and hiding the body in Caowin's house - under his bed - than one of those 'athlete' types.
In all honesty, the only thing I hide under Caowin's bed is an old shag rug.
Oh, and my pirate radio broadcaster and non-logging proxy servers.
But, on a serious note, nothing gets me more interested than when a girl expresses genuine interest and awareness of my various hobbies. To me, "Oh, your code is so concise and... clean... and efficient!" is approximately equivalent to those porn-ads that talk about "I'm single and horny and in your local area, big boy". And if you yourself actually participate in any of my hobbies, then can we just cut the chit-chat and get married tomorrow? You can be my 30th level Enchantress any time (no 4th edition-o).

Another good thing would be:

Not Being Squeamish:
Now, I'm not Captain Anarchy myself - few things bug me more than hearing kids (under thirteens, pretty much) swearing. What's more, I don't exactly swear like a character from Pulp Fiction.
I do, however, absolutely love that film, and couldn't ever be with someone who finds the idea of a film with 429 swear words to be repulsive. My thinking is that everything that society at large detests has its place: swearing can be poetic (or hilarious, as in that video above. Seriously, I've watched it twice while writing this article); sexual relations feel good, are healthy, and continue the species; and controversy keeps our minds open and always thinking.

None of that is to say you must agree with me on all controversial issues themselves, but my perfect woman wouldn't shy away from such things. 'Nuff said.

Last, but not least, the perfect gal should be:

Now, this is a tricky thing to really hammer down. My co-writer, who you might know as Caowin (but I know as the guy who has had sex on about 425 fewer occasions than myself) has oft told me about this strange phenomenon known as "The Friend-Zone" - usually in the context of "Ouch Yaya, I just got friendzoned [sic] so hard". Being a huge fan of The Twilight Zone myself, I quickly did my research on the topic. I found, however, that the Friend-Zone is apparently a common and much-feared real world occurance. To save you the trouble I had to go through to find out about it, I'll summarize here:
When a (wo)man likes a hot (wo)man, the easiest way to ask him/her out is usually by becoming his/her friend first, then asking him/her out when the time is 'right'. Unfortunately, this time being 'right' thing usually takes a long time, and by the time the first (wo)man gets round to asking the other out, something bad has happened: the latter (wo)man now sees the former as 'just a friend', and is incapable of seeing their relationship 'going anywhere'. Therefore, they are forever stuck in the Friendship Zone.
Having never been 'Friend-zoned' myself, I have been utterly confused for the longest time - how could this problem ever arise? See an interesting girl, ask her out. Maybe get close to her first. Maybe get rejected. I see no zones, and I only see friendships in which they say yes. Then, the other day it hit me!

Caowin, being a blithering blabber-mouth just loves to blabber and blither to everyone he meets - especially the ones he can (entirely theoretically) sleep with. Therefore, when he meets a girl who isn't right for him but might have still given him the benefit of the doubt, he ruins it by revealing every facet of his insanity. Insanity is good, but when they've seen it all, what's left to keep them there? At that point they must decide whether or not they actually like a mental-conservative-religious-zealot-bigot.

Therefore, I have to admit that I prefer those who court me to be somewhat aloof at first. Obviously, this facade has to go away eventually for a relationship to work, but... If I know you inside and out as a friend, where is my motivation to 'get to know you better'? It's not possible, so why bother.

You've just been friend-zoned by a total geek. How does that make you feel?

Boss: Wow! That was different and punchy! Tell me, do you really believe the things that you've written  here?
YSR: About 66.7% of them. So you really like it?
Boss: God no - I was being sarcastic. I haven't read any of your filth since 2009.
YSR: But... I wasn't blogging in '09.
Boss: Cool. Your cheque's in the mail.
YSR: So I'm finally gonna see some of my money?
Boss: Nope, that was also sarcasm.
YSR: That's not how sarcasm even works...
Boss: Meh. Bye.
YSR: *sigh* Bye.

- Y. S. Rice

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Work: A Dialogue

Hello all,

Y. S. Rice here again. Apparently, or so my 'boss' tells me, I should take my writing here a bit more seriously. The conversation went something like this:

YSR: I should be more serious? I thought you hated how serious I was.
Boss: Hahaha! Of course I do! We all do. Society does.
YSR: So why do you want me to be more serious?
Boss: No, no, no... The board members don't want you to be more serious. They want you to take your job more seriously. 
YSR: Holy Hell. I have a job?
Boss: ...
YSR: Oh... You think that I think of this as my job, don't you?
Boss: You refer to me as your boss.
YSR: I can change that if you want.
Mook: That's not what I meant. We pay you, and in return we just ask that you write for us a bit more regularly.
YSR: You pay me in pretzels and stock options.
Mook: Hey, you eat food, right? So that's valuable. And stock options sure can make you unexpectedly wealthy.
YSR: What's our current net value?
Mook: Well, it's only been a few months, and we're still on a free blog and... 
YSR: You're right, I don't care. What's the value of my stock?
Mook: Well... About $13.90
YSR: So, I've worked for nearly six months and still haven't earned enough to buy a decent quantity of re-writable DVDs?
Mook: Point is, you're fired if you don't write something soon. 
YSR: Sad face. 
Mook: And no referring to me as a mook.
YSR: Genuine sad face.
Boss: That's more like it.

So, I'm gonna go ahead and write something sometime maybe. I, personally, am impressed by that level of commitment. I'll pull something brilliant out of my arse as soon as I finish my HTML coding project.

Boss: You're going to write something now. Caowin's way ahead of you in the volume of material he's put out.
YSR: But he's a bigoted moron!
Boss: We like him more. As I say, society also prefers him. He's brief and simple and funny. Give us something punchy, different, and personal. Oh, and no computers.
YSR: Can I talk about some of my favourite mathematical proofs then?
Boss: Go f*ck yourself.

I assume that's a resounding 'no'. Okay, so I'll write something for tomorrow, here and now.

To be Continued...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Caowin Gives Up

Now, I know that the vast majority of my readers gets all their news from me. I also know that a lot has happened in the news since I last informed you. Romney won New Hampshire with a landslide, a bomb killed an Iranian nuclear physicist, the new Spock came out as gay.

But I was thinking the other day, and talking about newsy things isn't particularly unintellectual. In fact, some would argue that it's almost like the definition of "intellectual," and if there's two words that scare me they're "intellectual" and "definition."

Now, some of you may be wondering, "Then why did you start doing all those intellectual things in the first place?" Well, it started when Yair told me to do that Top of the News article. And then I saw Mitty Witty, and I fell in love, and I was carried away by the throws of passion. But now I'm starting to realize that my love for Mitty Witty isn't what's best for me. He means a lot to me, but if loving Governor Romneykins means sacrificing my unintellectuality, then it's not worth it.

Of course, my cowriter is going to respond with, "You've done plenty of unintellectual things with your Mitt Romney articles!" [Editor's note - Y. S. Rice: You have done plenty of unintellectual things with all of your articles. Don't mistake that as praise.] But what was unintellectual about those articles? That they featured Mitt Romney in various provocative poses. But google has taken down those pictures, replacing them with giant exclamation points which would fool only the very naive into thinking it was a picture of Romney's penis.

So I'll be taking some much-needed me time in order to figure out where I am in my life and where I want to go, and also why Google would take down my vaguely homosexual pictures of Mitt Romney.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Of Smart-Phones

Hello audience,

My calendar tells me that we have recently begun a new year: 2012 - The Year of the Apocalypse. At least that's what my most insane acquaintances believe. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. "You won't be saying that when all the good Mayan paganists are raptured into heaven and you're stuck here enduring endtimes."] The new year bit is, however, correct. Happy 2012! May it be less embarrassing than last year was (but we all know that isn't happening).

Now that we've gotten formalities out of the way, let me share a little joke that I discovered recently: ‎"Blackberries are for people who think they are important. iPhones are for people who think their phone is important."

Cue laughter. Or else.
This joke got me thinking though... Blackberries totally are for people who are self-important! And iPhone users are always the people who think the most of their pointless phones! But what, pray tell, is the Android user?

I'm sure you all know at least one Android phone user, but let me throw some pointless stats at you now - ones that you'll most likely skip over or forget anyway - 'cos that's the way Y. S. Rice rolls. HOLY ^*#^*$(%#&@$@*&! HELL!!! Apparently, Android controls 47% of the world market for mobile operating systems! Apple and it's omnipresent iOS is only at 28.7%, Blackberry has 16.6% of the market, and Windows-Wait-They-Do-Phones-Too?-OS is at a pathetic 5.2%. What's more, these numbers are from December 2011, so they're about as accurate as saying that Caowinhim is a bigot and a racist. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. Don't call me a bigot! That's a hateful word.] And let me tell you; there are a lot of iPhones out there. Heck, there's quite a few Blackberries too - Caowinhim owns one. Make of that what you will...

Point is, this huge lead in the market is a real home run for Linux!

Sigh... Cue these guys now. 
The chances are high that 99% of you people: A) don't know what Linux is, B) didn't know that Android was a port of Linux, C) A & B, or D) don't care one bit. In the case of D, I'm going to assume you're a fanboy (or girl) for one of the other smart-phone brands, so this article really isn't about you guys. As for the people who answered A, B, or C to the above question:
  • Linux is an open-source computer operating system, used mostly by people who are incredibly good with computers.
  • Yes, Android is a Linux smart-phone operating system.
  • Linux is an open-source computer operating system, used mostly by people who are incredibly good with computers; and yes, Android is a Linux smart-phone operating system.
respectively. So, yes, this should be a huge home run for Linux - here is a market wherein Linux is not only beating all of its competition, but indeed, a market wherein Linux is DESTROYING all of its competition. And yet, you didn't know that it was even doing that.

So, no, this is not a home run for Linux. This is a home run for Android phones, which - in the context of the above joke - are apparently for massive hypocrites. 

NOTE: Said hypocrites are not necessarily massive themselves.
[Editor's note: Caowinhim. "Don't be tricked into reading this next paragraph! It uses math, and Y. S. Rice summarizes it down below!"] How so? Well, let's assume that the majority of you are normal people. That means that statistically, 9/10 of you only know Linux as "that thing for hopeless virgins" (unfounded, by the way: my knowledge of Linux-shell commands gets all the ladies hot and bothered) if you even know what it is at all. Additionally, half of you own smart-phones. As stated already, nearly half of you that do own a smart-phone own an Android phone. So, that's 1/4 - still with me? No? Good, I'm just insulting you anyway. Since 1/4 is two and a half times the 1/10 of you who are more than vaguely familiar with desktop Linux, that means that more than half of all Android users think that Linux is for no-hopers. And yet you use Linux every day, and probably brag about how superior it is over the iPhone as well. I'll go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe, just maybe, one of you has even had sex in your life too... Possibly whilst texting all your friends about the awesome sex, using your awesome Linux powered phone. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. "For all those people who apparently didn't take my advice, fuck you."]

Even I got bored writing all those numbers up there, so...

tl;dr: most Android owners aren't aware that they use Linux, and they probably even believe Linux to be for super-nerds only. That is what a hypocrite is. Consider that argument won.

All of this bashing on Android users is not out of hatred, believe me. I'm absolutely certain that James Cameron owns an iPhone, and David Cameron is definitely a Blackberry user (or maybe Windows Phone??? Nah... Even he's above that). All of this is merely observation. Android users, please help get Linux understood by the masses. I am not a nerd; I am just 1337. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. "Wait, I thought you were only like 18."]

Oh, when I said it was just an observation, I was lying. It's also purest envy. I have a jailbroken, unlocked, iPhone 4 - yet still I yearn for that Android kernel to boot on my phone instead. You guys get all the cool apps, with none of the evil-empiresque restriction of Apple... By default. 

And then you don't even appreciate it 3/5 of the time.

I'm not angry at you guys. I'm just...

Feel the shame those eyes convey.
Feel that shame every time you use your phone.
Y. S. Rice