[Chief Editor's Note: "All the homo. No homo."]
Y. S. Rice here again with one of his now irregular posts. Why mention its irregularity, when that's not a positive trait in a blog? Well, I haven't actually read any of my colleague's recent posts, but based upon my knowledge of the person and my ability to accidentally read the titles of his posts... My irregular posts are 99% less bullshit than his. So please enjoy today's post - which was inspired by real life events (note: edited for brevity, clarity, and hilarity. Most, if not all, of the actual words used may be completely made up.):
Caowinhim: Hey, Josh, so Yair and I were like talking, right?So this one goes out to you, Josh Esposito of Las Vegas, Nevada.
Josh: Yair? You mean that not so evil guy who happens to be one of the evil English who have oppressed my people for like 500 years?
Caowinhim: Yeah! Those Englishes like to do that kinda thang.
Josh: Oh. Cool. What'd you say?
Caowinhim: We were like discussing this new idea for a script, right? And I mean we've got our usual buddy duo-
Josh: Inspired by you guys, right?
Caowinhim: Of course! Who wouldn't want to see me acted on stage?
Caowinhim: So then Yair had an awesome idea! Why don't we have the third guy be our usual, cool, level-headed Josh?
Josh: Usual? Yair? Idea?
Caowinhim: Yeah! He thinks you make the coolest characters.
Josh: He still remembers me?
Caowinhim: Of course! He invited you to his going away party - 'member?
Josh: I guess... But I never understood that. We only hung out when you were with us, and we were never that close... I haven't even talked to him once in the last two and a half years.
Josh: Why does he still know who I am? Much less think I'm cool?
[Editor's note - Caowinhim: Dude! Don't give out that personal info!!! Black people might be reading and get jealous of his awesomeness and murder him!!!]
Reasons Why I Love Josh3. Josh is so Much More Sane Than Myself and Caowin
This one is pretty simple and obvious really. I have an obsessive hatred for two people (CAMERONS) who I have never met, and both of whom I at one time or another supported (I used to swing Conservative in the UK, and I used to enjoy Aliens surprisingly). I also have a personality as dry as a brush fire, and a heart as blackened as those people that Caowin unjustly hates. Caowin, on the other hand, unjustly hates black people, and is utterly insane in every way possible. Also, we both write a fucking free blog as our only source of non-parental income, and we both want to continue writing for cash ad infinitum.
What about Josh, our semi-third-musketeer? He's a bloody business student (who is not himself bloody). Need I say more?
If yes, then he also thinks that Caowinhim is insane (a very sane thought), he thinks I'm fairly sane (at least until he reads this post), and he just sounds perfectly sane in every way.
2. Josh Never Dated Either Mine or Caowin's Exes
Dating the people who dump and/or flat out reject Caowinhim is just one of my hobbies. Caowinhim also loves dating my exes and/or rejectors. It's a thing. It's a cyclical thing. It's a weird thing. I don't know why we do it - maybe we like the same kinda people (a scary thought), or maybe we just take pleasure in spiting each other for spite's sake (a likely thought). Point is though, that it kinda sucks. On the one hand, I might have to put up with watching a girl I like date Caowy before inevitably ditching the zero and getting with the hero; on the other hand, I might have to put up with watching a girl I like date Caowy after she inevitably ditched the hero and got with the zero. Damn underdogs.
And Josh, mi amigo, you don't do that! I never have to feel jealous, angry, exceedingly amused, or in fact any strong emotion towards you - because you respect me. And by 'respect me', I mean, totally disrespect me in every way except the one that matters most to me - the ladies.
Also, our exes kinda sucked - so by not dating them, he's just further proving his awesomeness.
1. Josh is Reliable to the Extreme
"But he hasn't spoken a word to you in nearly three years", I wish I heard you say, since frankly, the voices from the dark hole within my heart are getting kinda old. It may be true that I've not spoken to him in a little while... But that's exactly what makes him so God damned reliable! I can always count on him not being there. Even more precisely, I can usually count on him being at least several thousand miles away. I have never, ever thought 'My lord! If I can just talk to Josh, then this would be so easy', and in so doing, I've never been let down by him - unlike almost everybody else ever.
Hey, you don't get cynical without having been let down once or twice by humanity.
Josh, my dear, dear friend - you are precisely so dear because you are so very distant. That is the number one reason I love you: you're some guy who seemed vaguely cool, and vaguely less douchy than Cowinhim at a critical point in my life. You are somebody who I barely know, and probably never will know all that well... Which leads me to my next point - point Zero.
0. Josh is a Fictional Character to Me... No Schizo
No, no, no... Unlike a lot of things on this blog, Josh is not made up. Mr. Esposito is a very real, very foreign-name-sounding-even-though-he's-totally-a-cracker human being - and he was in fact both mine and Caowin's friend in the first couple years of high school. Actually, apart from the dialogue (which I totally attached a disclaimer to...), I haven't made up or embellished any of this stuff. When I say that Josh is a fictional character to me, I mean that he is literally a fictional character to me.
Honestly, no schizo.
In at least half of every script that Caowin and I have ever written, there has had to be a third musketeer to compliment our two. The Caowiny character is always an idiot, and the Ricey character is always uber-macht-rational, and so this third musketeer has always needed to be in-between: not some super-nerd, and not a drunken buffoon. In other words, he had to be C-O-O-L. The problem here is that neither of us have ever known any truly cool people. I mean, come on. We write a blog.
So, when we were brainstorming for our first 'big' (our word for it) idea, To Nowhere in Particular, I suggested literally the coolest person I knew for the basis of our 'cool guy'. Ever since then, that character has grown and evolved, and he has in turn become the basis for other 'cool guy' characters in other scripts we've written - a basis that we have since named "The Josh character". In so doing this, 'Josh' as I know him has ceased to be Josh, and has become every character that has been based on that faint kernel of his actual personality present since TNIP.
That's right Josh, I'm sorry to say this... But points three through one are kinda ridiculous really. I love you as much as I do (a lot, by the way) because you are a Scottish space pirate with a penchant for pillaging, raping, and shiny piles of loot. I love you because you're that guy who's stood at the bar, attracting one-dimensional extras and being super-successful. I love you because you're the guy who always tells us both that we're being insane - and you're that guy who we both ignore.
Although, that last one applies pretty well in real life too, since you have told us that - and we are and do. From us at the Public Unintellectuals, thanks for reading this, Josh - you crazy caricature[s], you.
Y. S. Rice