Saturday, December 3, 2011

Caowin's Story about The Best Week Ever

I know what you guys are thinking. “Caowin! You said you were going to be doing homework, not writing your amazing brand of unintellectuality! Why aren’t you getting one of those ‘grades’?” Well, fellow nonthinkers, it turns out that no matter what I do, I will get a grade for each of my classes. All my hard work can do is change what letter that grade is labeled with – and I believe in letter equality.

Obviously, that was cause for celebration. All work and no play makes a person really gay. (This is another one of the amazing poems I've written in my side career as a slam poet.) So of course last Wednesday I took my Mitty Witty to see "Breaking Dawn: Part 1" with me. That's the movie based on half of the book.

As you already know from Mr. Rice's last post, Breaking Dawn is the number one movie in the world. [Editor's note: Y. S. Rice. "Fuck you."] And let me tell you guys, I can corroborate that story. It was awesome! If you haven't read my review of the book, please do, since the movie followed the book's plot fairly accurately, sans the gay "let's have a battle oh wait let's not" thing at the end

More important, however, was the movie's sexual content. Five seconds into the movie Jacob already had his shirt off. Later, we get to watch Edward and Bella get it on. Of course, there was those fifteen minutes of Edward refusing to have sex with Bella again because he felt guilty (the panzy), at one point even laughing at Bella's feeble attempts to get Edward to screw her. But by then, Romneykins and I were not in a position where we could watch the movie, if you know what I mean.

And then the greatest thing of all happened, thus concluding the best week ever. Herman Cain dropped out of the race! Now I don't want you guys to thinkI'm a racist. (Or, in other words, I don't want you guys to not read my stuff because you know I'm a racist.) But one black presidential candidate is enough for me. I mean, we get the point black people. You can be whatever you want. Now shut the fuck up and eat your goddamn fried chicken already.

Even better, this takes away a major contender against Mitty. I mean, I believe with all my heart that I will be the lover to the future Mr. Prezzybuns, not whatever employee that Herman Cain is raping at the moment. (I would link that to a story about Herman Cain forcing an employee of his into doing sexual favors, but come on. Really.) But it always feels good when I know that something is going to make it easier for my favorite ball of adorable presidential candidacy.

Well, that's why last week was the best week ever. I hope you had as good a week as I did, although I doubt it. Haha, losers. Have fun with your quiet lives of desperation!

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