Saturday, December 17, 2011

"The Best Thing in the World" - an Investigation by Y. S. Rice

Hello all,

As you may or may not know, I am a cynic.

Sick and blackened. Remember?
I always have been, and I always will be. Some people hate it, and think that I should just learn to be more positive - that this will somehow make me happier. Other people find it strangely endearing and/or attractive - some combination of liking the foreign nature of sarcasm and irony in these United States, and the chance to be the happy and likable one in a relationship. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. Like me! Except the "likeable" part. And that whole "relationship" thing, cuz that would be homo.] What most people don't understand is this: that I, too, am looking for the same Grail as everyone else - that elusive thing that would make even the driest soul full to the brim with joy and happiness, the thing that can make grown men cry at its beauty, the only thing that could very possibly enlighten Caowinhim to human standards. There is but one thing that can maybe - just maybe - do all this.

The best thing in the world.

That being a tall order, and me not being emo enough to give up and cut myself, I decided to search for this artifact of purest joy in the only way I knew how: Google. So, without further ado, I present the fruits of my labour below - may it rain as much pleasure upon you as it has done on me.

One or two bows before sunset every day, and maybe a couple of religious
tomes about my life and its struggles, is all that I ask for in return for this.
The Best Thing in the World Is:

Pinkie swears. 

At least that's what was the number one item that Google's web search returned: - a site dedicated to... Awesome things? I guess. According to the page I linked to, pinkie swears are awesome because they are binding promises. The author states (accurately, I'd have to say) that in today's world, plans shift and change all the time because of mobile phones and instant messaging and the such-like. "That’s where pinky swears come in" - If someone gives you a pinkie swear, they mean it, or as I might have put it ten years ago: "No backsies".

A part of me would love to agree with this calculation, certainly, but I cannot allow myself such folly. For one thing, plans changed and alliances shifted way before mobile phones existed: just ask the Christian church. They didn't originally hate either Darwin, or his revolutionary idea of suggesting a scientifically verifiable way that God created everything.

Think something like this, only involving all living organisms over the course of millions of years.
Oh, and the lil' chef is God.
At first, they all either didn't care, or actually liked having some scientific backing: after all, it would take an awesome creator to make something so complicated it could evolve over time. Darwin should have asked Jesus for a pinkie promise. 'Cos then he would never have turned on him.

Which brings me to my second problem with the perfection of the pinkie promise. People can totally break them. They can break them so bad, your pinkie is liable to break. I mean, it's ONE FIFTH of a handshake - the traditional way of showing one's commitment. Now, I aren't a mathematician (I have several computers around me to take care of that), but ONE FRICKIN' FIFTH of a commitment is not a good overall sign of commitment. Just think of Darwin and Jesus again; I've already mentioned how he had been training to be a priest - which, some might say, is quite a commitment... At least one third of a handshake. Think about that for a moment. Darwin, having received a fair bit of commitment from the conservative public, is now arch-enemy #2... Just behind Ahmed Al-foreigner.

Even more damning evidence? Pinkie swears, despite being the exact item that Google brought me to, were the 90th thing that the author of 1000awesomethings could think of that was awesome. Yeah, that's still technically in the top 10%, but would you want to be 90th outta 1000? Nope. You'd want to be 1st outta 1000, and frankly I don't trust this guy's judgement enough to even see what he put for that. 

So, pinkie swears are not the best thing in the world. Google Web is a liar! Maybe Google Images is it's nicer step-brother or something. Let's find out.

The Best Thing in the World Is:

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!1111!!1!11!1!!!!!!!11!
What. The. Actual. Fuck? THIS IS NOT THE BEST THING IN ANYWHERE. No! Bad Google images! You're even worse than you're dumb web-brother. I'm not even going to dissect this. Just...


... some more. I'm starting to think that the internet simply can't find the Best Thing in the World. 

Hah! Just kidding. I went to the lesser-used cousin of Google Web next: Google Video. According to that,

The Best Thing in the World Is:

Deciding to disregard how decidedly un-best that thumbnail is, I decided to click on the video and play it. At last I was getting somewhere! This video at least has "Best Thing in the World" in its title. I have won! I have won! Here is the Best Thing in the World!

EDIT: Just watched the video. No. Not best thing. I mean, the music is okay, and the visuals look a lot like an acid trip - two usual indicators of awesomeness - but listen to the lyrics! They're happy, upbeat, and heart-warming. Do I need to point out why my heart doesn't need warming, again?

"Heart disease, Mr. Rice. We really should operate."
So, having seen the error of trying to use Google to solve world-depression, I decided to try something more sensible. 

Microsoft's 'Bing' search engine. This is a good idea, right? Right? Right...? Microsoft 'Bing', oh God.


Oh gosh! Oh gosh! It worked! Please, please, please, go spam this address: - do it for me, do it for yourself, and do it for the world. You won't regret it. 

Have you gone yet? Repeatedly?

Good. I was joking. What the Hell, Microsoft? You're probably the wrongest search engine yet! The Best Thing in the World is not an early-2000's nothing website composed of 90% advertising, 5% broken poll that leads to a 404 error, and 5% vapid content about the harmonious topics of skateboarding and music.

Actually, that's dangerously close to what our site is...


Pinkie promises again... Bing infected me with some kinda 'sucky-search-engine-using-till-oblivion virus', and now I can't help but find out what Ask thinks is the Best Thing in the World is, and it thinks the same as Google Web. It's wrong still.

Now, I'm writing this offline, lest I try and ask for the Best Thing in the World. That would be the opposite of what I want.

Point is, and you may have been asking yourself this at the very beginning, "Why would Y. S. Rice want to find the best thing in the world?" I mean, I am a cynic, and derive minimal joy from things that most people would consider wonderful. Well, I realised something earlier today. I was in Barnes and Nobles, looking for books on 'Ubuntu Linux' and 'getting away with political/movie-maker assassination' (they had a lot on the former; not so many on the latter, I'm afraid to say), when I spotted a book that I recognised immediately: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teenagers, by some guy I want to stab. This guy, and this book, tortured me for a year - there is so much asinine happiness, efficiency, and mindless socialism contained within its pages. It was a whole year because my college FORCED ME TO GET A QUALIFICATION IN IT. That's right: I have a certificate, as legitimate as your high school diploma, stating that I am fully certified as a highly-goddamn-effective teenager. It infuriates me to this day, especially when one considers that I was second-best in the class despite my never following its advice in real life.

Stay home and study or get drunk on a school night? Failed.

Help your fellow students study or talk to them about philosophy (when they study math)? Failed.

Put bad thoughts behind you, let go of your misanthropic side, and love everything? Failed.

Do homework or... Don't do homework? Failed.

Sorry, I got kinda sidelined there. What was I hating about? Oh yes, my revelation. As a cynic, I actually derive ultimate joy from dethroning the traditional senses of ultimate joy. In other words, seeing that book of purest blandness put a smile on my face that could be seen from space. I don't think anybody - and I mean anybody - has been so satisfied by The Seven Habits as I was tonight. It reminded me of my love for emotional destruction.

Which is why I want to find the Best Thing in the World. To destroy it.

Destruction breeds creation.

Destruction breeds %(*@$%& Avatar.
So, that being said... Did I find the Best Thing in the World? Is it good that I did/didn't? Do you care at all about these hypothetical questions? I'm gonna go ask Mr. Miyagi myself. You're on your own, kiddos.

This has been selfishly yours,

Y. S. Destructionfetish Rice

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