Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Caowin's Editorial on Santorum


So, as most of my friends already know, I love Mitt Romney (or, as I like to call him, "Mitty Witty"). Well, yesterday was the Republican caucus in Iowa, and you cannot believe how happy I was to see him win. I am so glad that Iowa Republicans finally see what I see in Mitty Witty - that he's tall, cute and great in bed.

However, Santorum also did surprisingly well. In case you're wondering, "santorum" is defined as “a frothy mixture of fecal matter and lubricant which is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex." And last night, Santorum shot up in the polls, all over Iowa. This was disgusting, to say the least, but Romneykins and I kept our bearing – it happens to us all the time.

Now, I don't know how to feel about this Santorum guy. On the one hand, he vows to bomb Iran, and I really hate Iran. Nothing against most Iranians. I just really hate two of them – Ashkaan Koupenijad and Mahmoud Ahmajaendasjkableh (I can’t spell Mahmoud's last name).

Now, you probably have no clue who Ashkaan is. He’s actually a super annoying dude I know who hates me because I dated someone he likes, and because he is a complete failure. I mean, I don't think I've met anyone that genuinely likes him, just saying.

But even more than I hate Ashkaan, I hate Mahmoud. Now, I don’t mind that he’s the theocratic dictator of Iran. Nor do I care that he’s probably building a nuclear weapon and that he is probably going to use it against Israel. That sounds like Israel’s problem. Rather, I hate Mahmoud because of this song.


I mean, Mahmoud is a political leader. How the hell does he think he can get away with having a comedian say this kind of stuff about him? Furthermore, what kind of world do we live in where comedians are allowed to proclaim their love for important political figures? Suffice to say, Mitty Witty and I think it's a bit ridiculous.

Anyway, while I totally agree with bombing Iran, I do not agree with anyone that thinks he can be a better president than my Mitty Witty. I mean, look at santorum.

Ewwww
No, look at Rick Santorum.

Ewwww
He hardly has a bottom at all! And he's kind of fat! I mean, I daresay he's got no sex appeal at all. Anyway, I hope he's ready to take a chillacking from the future Mr. Prezzybuns, my Mitty Witty himself, because as Rick Perry, Herman Cain, and Newt Gingrich can all attest too, a sudden surge in the polls does not make one a lasting top-tier candidate.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Caowin's True Meaning of Christmas

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! And to my Jewish followers, I pray that you will accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior soon and then celebrate Christmas, just as God intended.

Now, I really love this time of year, and not only because it gives me a really good excuse to start hating on the Jews. No, I actually just appreciate the fact that, during this time of year, everyone takes the time out of their busy schedules to spend time with the families they hate.

Someone I know that really gets the true meaning of Christmas is my friend Kailee. She is like the personification of Christmas. For one, she has an almost fetishistic obsession with bright colors and shiny things. She seriously cannot get enough of that crap.

And she is obnoxiously cheerful. Like seriously. She's one of those super nice and happy blonde people who is hated by like half the population because they don't believe that anyone could genuinely nice and happy. Just like Christmas, the only reason you could possibly hate Kailee is because you think it's an act.

And here's the thing - the truth is, it IS an act. Kailee doesn't actually like her life! She's absolutely miserable, and kind of a bitch to boot. But she PRETENDS like it isn't. That's called The Christmas Spirit,

But there's more parallels than that. Kailee isn't a Christian. She was raised in that cultural, but she's actually a heathenish nonbeliever. She prefers the term "a-theist" but I would give her evil beliefs a D+ at the very best. However, she appreciates the holidays as a time to appreciate what really matters - material possessions.

Which brings me to the most important way in which Kailee is like Christmas - she is shallow and measures her happiness by how much stuff she has.

"But Caowin," you are probably saying, "I watched this Christmas movie the other day, and I learned that the true meaning of Christmas wasn't material possessions, but rather spending time with the people you love."

And I get what you're saying. I've been watching Christmas movies all of December, since my mother thinks they have value for some reason, and I've realized something. Yes, in each movie, the characters decide that the true meaning of Christmas is being around the people you love, but right after that, they get all the stuff they want!

For example, in "It's a Wonderful Life," George Bailey learns that "No man is a failure who has friends," and then comes home to be given loads of money by all those friends. In "Miracle on 34th Street," the little girl learns how to believe in Santa Claus even though he can't always give everyone what they want, and then she gets a huge ass house. Heck, even in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," everyone gets all their stuff back.

Kailee was explaining this to me the other day. "Well, duh. It's really easy to say that what's important is your family and friends when you've got all kinds of stuff." 

If that's not the true meaning of Christmas, I don't know what is.

Monday, December 19, 2011

CAOWIN'S NEWS FLASH: Kim Jong-Il Is Dead

Okay guys. Something terrible has happened to Kim Jong-Il, the totalitarian leader of North Korea. No, he didn't run out of awesome sunglasses. Nor did he accidentally misplace his arsenal of nuclear weapons.

It is an interesting man whose great tragedies would involve either nuclear weapons or sunglasses.

No, what happened to him is he died. Kim Jong-Il, dictator extraordinaire and focus of the world's zaniest cult of personality, has died.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Caowin, that's not such a bad thing. He was a bad guy, right?" But you're missing the point. Sure, he was a manipulative oppressor of his people and enemy of freedom as a whole, but he was a hilarious manipulative oppressor of his people and enemy of freedom as a whole.

I mean, when he quit smoking, he forced all of North Korea to also quit smoking. He imported hookers from Sweden. He even passed a law saying only he and his son could wear a particular type of furry hat. This was not an ordinary dictator. This was a comedic gold mine.

And now he's dead! I mean, I've only started blogging recently, so I never got the chance to make hilarious jokes. But now that I'm trying them on for size, they're great! I mean, I had very little time to figure this blogpost out, but it's the easiest thing I've ever tried to do ever. All you have to do is mention something hilarious he did, like launch missiles into the Sea of Japan just because he can, and let the audience laugh at the sheer absurdity of the idea that someone like him managed to become ruler of a country.

But yesterday, Kim Jong-Il died, and with him died all the hilarious jokes I could have made about him. We can only hope his successor is half as hilarious as Kim Jong-Il was.

[ Editor's note: Y. S. Rice - I would like the readers to know that I, too, am in mourning for our loss. Kim Jong-Il was the first, and perhaps last terrifying, evil, and disgusting human being who the rest of the world could safely laugh at. That being said, I hear David Cameron has plans to take over Kim's responsibilities if his heir fails to live up to his comic brand of evil himself. RIP]

[ Writer's note: Caowin - Silly Yaya! You forgot about Hitler - he killed loads of people: comic genius. RIP to him too.]

Saturday, December 17, 2011

"The Best Thing in the World" - an Investigation by Y. S. Rice

Hello all,

As you may or may not know, I am a cynic.

Sick and blackened. Remember?
I always have been, and I always will be. Some people hate it, and think that I should just learn to be more positive - that this will somehow make me happier. Other people find it strangely endearing and/or attractive - some combination of liking the foreign nature of sarcasm and irony in these United States, and the chance to be the happy and likable one in a relationship. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. Like me! Except the "likeable" part. And that whole "relationship" thing, cuz that would be homo.] What most people don't understand is this: that I, too, am looking for the same Grail as everyone else - that elusive thing that would make even the driest soul full to the brim with joy and happiness, the thing that can make grown men cry at its beauty, the only thing that could very possibly enlighten Caowinhim to human standards. There is but one thing that can maybe - just maybe - do all this.

The best thing in the world.

That being a tall order, and me not being emo enough to give up and cut myself, I decided to search for this artifact of purest joy in the only way I knew how: Google. So, without further ado, I present the fruits of my labour below - may it rain as much pleasure upon you as it has done on me.

One or two bows before sunset every day, and maybe a couple of religious
tomes about my life and its struggles, is all that I ask for in return for this.
The Best Thing in the World Is:

Pinkie swears. 

At least that's what was the number one item that Google's web search returned: http://www.1000awesomethings.com - a site dedicated to... Awesome things? I guess. According to the page I linked to, pinkie swears are awesome because they are binding promises. The author states (accurately, I'd have to say) that in today's world, plans shift and change all the time because of mobile phones and instant messaging and the such-like. "That’s where pinky swears come in" - If someone gives you a pinkie swear, they mean it, or as I might have put it ten years ago: "No backsies".

A part of me would love to agree with this calculation, certainly, but I cannot allow myself such folly. For one thing, plans changed and alliances shifted way before mobile phones existed: just ask the Christian church. They didn't originally hate either Darwin, or his revolutionary idea of suggesting a scientifically verifiable way that God created everything.

Think something like this, only involving all living organisms over the course of millions of years.
Oh, and the lil' chef is God.
At first, they all either didn't care, or actually liked having some scientific backing: after all, it would take an awesome creator to make something so complicated it could evolve over time. Darwin should have asked Jesus for a pinkie promise. 'Cos then he would never have turned on him.

Which brings me to my second problem with the perfection of the pinkie promise. People can totally break them. They can break them so bad, your pinkie is liable to break. I mean, it's ONE FIFTH of a handshake - the traditional way of showing one's commitment. Now, I aren't a mathematician (I have several computers around me to take care of that), but ONE FRICKIN' FIFTH of a commitment is not a good overall sign of commitment. Just think of Darwin and Jesus again; I've already mentioned how he had been training to be a priest - which, some might say, is quite a commitment... At least one third of a handshake. Think about that for a moment. Darwin, having received a fair bit of commitment from the conservative public, is now arch-enemy #2... Just behind Ahmed Al-foreigner.

Even more damning evidence? Pinkie swears, despite being the exact item that Google brought me to, were the 90th thing that the author of 1000awesomethings could think of that was awesome. Yeah, that's still technically in the top 10%, but would you want to be 90th outta 1000? Nope. You'd want to be 1st outta 1000, and frankly I don't trust this guy's judgement enough to even see what he put for that. 

So, pinkie swears are not the best thing in the world. Google Web is a liar! Maybe Google Images is it's nicer step-brother or something. Let's find out.

The Best Thing in the World Is:


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!1111!!1!11!1!!!!!!!11!
!!!!!!1!!!1!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!1!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!
What. The. Actual. Fuck? THIS IS NOT THE BEST THING IN ANYWHERE. No! Bad Google images! You're even worse than you're dumb web-brother. I'm not even going to dissect this. Just...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

... some more. I'm starting to think that the internet simply can't find the Best Thing in the World. 

Hah! Just kidding. I went to the lesser-used cousin of Google Web next: Google Video. According to that,

The Best Thing in the World Is:


Deciding to disregard how decidedly un-best that thumbnail is, I decided to click on the video and play it. At last I was getting somewhere! This video at least has "Best Thing in the World" in its title. I have won! I have won! Here is the Best Thing in the World!

EDIT: Just watched the video. No. Not best thing. I mean, the music is okay, and the visuals look a lot like an acid trip - two usual indicators of awesomeness - but listen to the lyrics! They're happy, upbeat, and heart-warming. Do I need to point out why my heart doesn't need warming, again?

"Heart disease, Mr. Rice. We really should operate."
"IT'S CALLED SARCASM, YOU STOOPID AMERICAN!"
"..."
So, having seen the error of trying to use Google to solve world-depression, I decided to try something more sensible. 

Microsoft's 'Bing' search engine. This is a good idea, right? Right? Right...? Microsoft 'Bing', oh God.

THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD:

Oh gosh! Oh gosh! It worked! Please, please, please, go spam this address: http://www.thebestthingsintheworld.20m.com/ - do it for me, do it for yourself, and do it for the world. You won't regret it. 

Have you gone yet? Repeatedly?

Good. I was joking. What the Hell, Microsoft? You're probably the wrongest search engine yet! The Best Thing in the World is not an early-2000's nothing website composed of 90% advertising, 5% broken poll that leads to a 404 error, and 5% vapid content about the harmonious topics of skateboarding and music.

Actually, that's dangerously close to what our site is...

I'm seriously giviTHEBESTTHINGINTHEWORLD:

Pinkie promises again... Bing infected me with some kinda 'sucky-search-engine-using-till-oblivion virus', and now I can't help but find out what Ask thinks is the Best Thing in the World is, and it thinks the same as Google Web. It's wrong still.

Now, I'm writing this offline, lest I try and ask http://worstsearch.com/ for the Best Thing in the World. That would be the opposite of what I want.

Point is, and you may have been asking yourself this at the very beginning, "Why would Y. S. Rice want to find the best thing in the world?" I mean, I am a cynic, and derive minimal joy from things that most people would consider wonderful. Well, I realised something earlier today. I was in Barnes and Nobles, looking for books on 'Ubuntu Linux' and 'getting away with political/movie-maker assassination' (they had a lot on the former; not so many on the latter, I'm afraid to say), when I spotted a book that I recognised immediately: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teenagers, by some guy I want to stab. This guy, and this book, tortured me for a year - there is so much asinine happiness, efficiency, and mindless socialism contained within its pages. It was a whole year because my college FORCED ME TO GET A QUALIFICATION IN IT. That's right: I have a certificate, as legitimate as your high school diploma, stating that I am fully certified as a highly-goddamn-effective teenager. It infuriates me to this day, especially when one considers that I was second-best in the class despite my never following its advice in real life.

Stay home and study or get drunk on a school night? Failed.

Help your fellow students study or talk to them about philosophy (when they study math)? Failed.

Put bad thoughts behind you, let go of your misanthropic side, and love everything? Failed.

Do homework or... Don't do homework? Failed.

Sorry, I got kinda sidelined there. What was I hating about? Oh yes, my revelation. As a cynic, I actually derive ultimate joy from dethroning the traditional senses of ultimate joy. In other words, seeing that book of purest blandness put a smile on my face that could be seen from space. I don't think anybody - and I mean anybody - has been so satisfied by The Seven Habits as I was tonight. It reminded me of my love for emotional destruction.

Which is why I want to find the Best Thing in the World. To destroy it.

Destruction breeds creation.
MEETS

Destruction breeds %(*@$%& Avatar.
So, that being said... Did I find the Best Thing in the World? Is it good that I did/didn't? Do you care at all about these hypothetical questions? I'm gonna go ask Mr. Miyagi myself. You're on your own, kiddos.

This has been selfishly yours,

Y. S. Destructionfetish Rice

Friday, December 16, 2011

Windows 8: A Post-Pre-Emptive Review

Hello again my valued readers,

Y. S. Rice here, with a very important message to all the ladies in the audience today. If there's three things you need to know about me before you inevitably fill my inbox with love letters, they are thus: that I am a well rounded, well traveled, European gentleman; that I enjoy few things in life more than a candle-lit dinner, or a long walk on the beach before sunset; and that when I aren't doing that, I'm very often whiling away my waking hours on developer blogs. If you don't exactly know what a developer blog is, think of it as a blog where developers discuss their software - it's a handy analogy, because that's exactly what it is. [Editor's note - Caowinhim: So wait, you don't mind dying a virgin?]. It's like, if we at The Public Unintellectuals decided to create a video game, and blogged about that instead.

This would be our version of the Kinect, and yes, it'd also be a sign of the coming apocalypse.
"Oh, that doesn't sound too crazy!" says the voice that I have invariably placed in your mouth, "my current/ex-boyfriend checked blogs for news about his favourite video game or computer franchise". That's where we differ (apart from my being far more cultured than CoD_fan-29043 isn't): I routinely check blogs about developers I hate - such as Apple's ubiquitous sites, www.davidcameron.co.uk/the-video-game, and even Microsoft Windows' various Cthuloid tenatcles... err... I mean weblogs.

And it is the latter around which I base today's article - for I have acquired (through secret channels you wouldn't even begin to understand), a developer pre-beta of Windows 8. 

Just kidding. You can totally download it free and legally right here, though you are unlikely to know how to run OSes on virtual hard disks within your base OS - or to even know what that means, really - so you would have to risk all your personal files to try it out. DON'T DO THAT. DO NOT DO IT. NO. BAD. No matter how much of a Windows fan boy you may be, this is a self-styled God damned PRE-BETA of Windows 8, and without proper care - and usually even with it - you will lose everything. Possibly even your mind. Seriously though, that's why I'm here: tech-nerd to the rescue!

Installation:
People often say that the very beginning is the very best place to start, but those people have clearly never seen a Qentin Tarantino film. Nevertheless, I suppose it's good advice for a review, so I'm going to talk you through the installation first. Basically, this is one thing I always hate about Windows - it takes hours to install XP, the most recent Windows OS that I've used for more than ten minutes.

Here, I was pleasantly surprised! W8 installed completely in about 10-15 minutes. After crashing on me three times. Point is, I did eventually get to this screen:
Because blank screens are in again.
And it just kinda sat there for 30 minutes, doing literally nothing. It wasn't still installing, it wasn't loading; I was clicking all kinds of different commands. Nothing. Nada. Eventually I restarted the virtual system, and instead got to this screen:

Logging In:
Login magic.
It's green, it's clean, and it gets to the point. Nothing amazing here, apart from the gigabyte of RAM and the 20 gigs of hard-drive space that it's eating up to just get me this far. Upon logging in, the magic began though!
"It's like, shiny, and new, and not at all inspired by iPhone's iOS in any way" - random Microsoft Fanboy
Again, I was mildly impressed, and this time it wasn't just by the massive amounts of memory that this thing was consuming. This interface is actually pretty nice looking, and would be even cooler if my computer was a touchscreen one. But it's not. So, it was okay. I guess. 

Features:
Now that everything is working 'perfectly' (read as: barely, by overclocking my system and nearly melting my computer), let's see what this baby can actually do! The first thing that caught my eye was the new Internet Explorer, since the internet is really useful for looking at computers and software. [Editor's note - Caowin: And breasts, Yaya! Don't forget the breasts!]
Google knows me too well.
Aside from the now full-screen browsing and the massive amounts of RAM that it gobbles up, there's not much here really. So, after puzzling about how to get out of an app for about ten minutes, I went ahead and force-quit it with ctrl-alt-del (I ended up doing this a lot). The next thing I clicked on was "Tweet@rama" [sic].
...
Since 'tweet-at-rama' literally means nothing, I was left to assume that "Rama" is a person, place, or thing, and that Microsoft is for some reason imploring it's users to "tweet at" it. What the actual Hell? "@" makes an 'at' sound, not an 'a' sound - so if you think this is clever, you're just a massive tw@. I'm sacrificing over a gigabyte of RAM to run this program. Deciding that my clearly aging computer had better things to spend its memory on, I quickly ctrl-alt-del'ed this offence to my eyes, and went to check out Microsoft's much lauded new 'Windows App Store' (also, clearly not related to Apple's app store).
Because developers don't need to see what else is out there.
Okay. Getting kinda bored now. I mean, yeah, it's shiny and new and devours all of my random-access-memory like a starving man on crack, but it's also utterly pointless. There isn't even an ounce of familiarity!

Familiarity:
Oh. HERE it is, cleverly hidden in an app. There's actually an app for 'default'. Because, screw you common sense.
My innocuous files.
But yeah, it's comfortable and all. I mean, this 'desktop' 'app' is the same tried and true environment that Windows has been using almost unchanged for the last 16 years. Yay?

Closing Words:
Did I mention the intense amount of RAM this thing dissolved in its salivating maw? Seriously.

What else can I say? I got to know this screen pretty well:
Since one of the 'glitches' was that it logs out every 15 seconds.
I also got to see that Windows has simultaneously evolved into some sort of gestalt Apple-not-Apple entity and stayed completely the same. Then again, I already knew that it would, since it is Microsoft, and Microsoft specialises at both never changing and ripping off Apple. Don't mistake that as a kindness towards Apple - they both ripped off Xerox, for chrissakes, and if you have to ripoff XEROX (yes, the photocopier company) to think that a graphical user interface (things other than words appearing on your screen) is a good idea, then you are retarded. Plus, Apple's been running the same operating system (OSX=operating system 10) for ages now, only marginally improving it with each 'new' release.

Everybody knows Linux wins, cos' being free is half the battle. Right? Being leet is the other half.

Y. S. Rice

[Writer's note - Y. S. Rice: For the record, mY L337 HaX Br1N9 alL 73h 91RlZ 70 73h yARD. aND 7H3Y'R3 l1K3, 17'Z b3773r 7Han j00rZ, cA0w1nH1m, and as such, I've had more sex in the last year than you ever will in the lives of yourself and any possible reincarnations thereof.]

Monday, December 12, 2011

Caowin's Editorial on Spanish Speakers


As I finish finals week, I find myself recalling some of my best college memories... For example, there was that time that I was on the phone trying to get ahold of my college to ask if this whole “homework” thing was really necessary. That’s when it happened - the automatic message said, “Welcome to the College of Southern Nevada. Por espanol, toque numero uno”.

So I was like, “Bitch! I might not know Spanish, but I can tell that you were just cussing me out!” Out of anger, I launched my cell phone into the wall, shattering it into seven pieces.

“What did you just do?” my mother asked as she ran into the room.

“AARRGGHH!!” I yelled, jumping up and down on the couch, pulling the hair off my various body parts.

Three mental hospital workers and one dart filled with horse tranquilizers later, a nice lady in scrubs was explaining to me that it is common for automatic call directing things to ask if the caller prefers to use Spanish. I tried telling her that this was America, and here we speak English, but she just said that not everyone does.

Apparently, and I’m not making this up, people from Mexico and other English-hating countries will come to the USA. I know what you’re thinking. “Caowin, that can’t be legal!” [Editor’s Note: Y. S. Rice. “Not all of our readers are xenophobic assholes like you Caowin.”]

And you know; that’s the funny thing. Most of the time, it’s NOT legal. People with brownish skin are coming into this country despite the fact that our laws clearly say, “No, senor!”  They’re called illegal aliens, and despite what their name would suggest, they’re much worse than ET.

Unlike ET, they move into our neighborhoods, take our jobs, and most importantly, SPEAK SPANISH.  Worst yet, when they birth their young here, they (the little brown babies, also called “brownitos”) have all the rights of Americans! And people think I’M crazy for not thinking this is a good idea? And thusly ripping out all my chest hair?

Luckily, there’s something we can do – we can join the Minutemen, the greatest group of guys in America. All you need is a gun and you can help them shoot down any brown-looking person you see crossing the border. Sure, you’ll occasionally hit a Cancun vacationer who got miserably lost after a particularly eventful night, but that’s a small price to pay for keeping our country safe. Let the morgues figure out whether or not that John Doe was really a Juan Dorito. I’ve been trying to join them myself for a while now, but they’re worried that the brown people won’t be stopped by my Super Soaker 3000. Obviously they’ve never seen me crash a Quincenera.

So Mexico, watch out. I’m about to crash the biggest Quincenera of them all.

Cabrones.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Why I Love Josh

[Editor's Note - Caowin: "NO HOMO NO HOMO NO HOMO."]

[Chief Editor's Note: "All the homo. No homo."]

Hello all,

Y. S. Rice here again with one of his now irregular posts. Why mention its irregularity, when that's not a positive trait in a blog? Well, I haven't actually read any of my colleague's recent posts, but based upon my knowledge of the person and my ability to accidentally read the titles of his posts... My irregular posts are 99% less bullshit than his. So please enjoy today's post - which was inspired by real life events (note: edited for brevity, clarity, and hilarity. Most, if not all, of the actual words used may be completely made up.):

Caowinhim: Hey, Josh, so Yair and I were like talking, right?
Josh: Yair? You mean that not so evil guy who happens to be one of the evil English who have oppressed my people for like 500 years?
Caowinhim: Yeah! Those Englishes like to do that kinda thang.
Josh: Oh. Cool. What'd you say?
Caowinhim: We were like discussing this new idea for a script, right? And I mean we've got our usual buddy duo-
Josh: Inspired by you guys, right?
Caowinhim: Of course! Who wouldn't want to see me acted on stage?
Josh: ...
Caowinhim: So then Yair had an awesome idea! Why don't we have the third guy be our usual, cool, level-headed Josh?
Josh: ...
Caowinhim: !!!
Josh: Usual? Yair? Idea?
Caowinhim: Yeah! He thinks you make the coolest characters.
Josh: He still remembers me?
Caowinhim: Of course! He invited you to his going away party - 'member?
Josh: I guess... But I never understood that. We only hung out when you were with us, and we were never that close... I haven't even talked to him once in the last two and a half years.
Caowinhim: !!!
Josh: Why does he still know who I am? Much less think I'm cool?
Caowinhim: ???
So this one goes out to you, Josh Esposito of Las Vegas, Nevada.
3029 Sunset Boulevard
89107
Tel: +1 (702)-923-1385
E-mail: jposito2351@rocketmail.com.

[Editor's note - Caowinhim: Dude! Don't give out that personal info!!! Black people might be reading and get jealous of his awesomeness and murder him!!!]

Reasons Why I Love Josh
3. Josh is so Much More Sane Than Myself and Caowin
This one is pretty simple and obvious really. I have an obsessive hatred for two people (CAMERONS) who I have never met, and both of whom I at one time or another supported (I used to swing Conservative in the UK, and I used to enjoy Aliens surprisingly). I also have a personality as dry as a brush fire, and a heart as blackened as those people that Caowin unjustly hates. Caowin, on the other hand, unjustly hates black people, and is utterly insane in every way possible. Also, we both write a fucking free blog as our only source of non-parental income, and we both want to continue writing for cash ad infinitum.

What about Josh, our semi-third-musketeer? He's a bloody business student (who is not himself bloody). Need I say more?

If yes, then he also thinks that Caowinhim is insane (a very sane thought), he thinks I'm fairly sane (at least until he reads this post), and he just sounds perfectly sane in every way.

2. Josh Never Dated Either Mine or Caowin's Exes
Dating the people who dump and/or flat out reject Caowinhim is just one of my hobbies. Caowinhim also loves dating my exes and/or rejectors. It's a thing. It's a cyclical thing. It's a weird thing. I don't know why we do it - maybe we like the same kinda people (a scary thought), or maybe we just take pleasure in spiting each other for spite's sake (a likely thought). Point is though, that it kinda sucks. On the one hand, I might have to put up with watching a girl I like date Caowy before inevitably ditching the zero and getting with the hero; on the other hand, I might have to put up with watching a girl I like date Caowy after she inevitably ditched the hero and got with the zero. Damn underdogs.

And Josh, mi amigo, you don't do that! I never have to feel jealous, angry, exceedingly amused, or in fact any strong emotion towards you - because you respect me. And by 'respect me', I mean, totally disrespect me in every way except the one that matters most to me - the ladies.

Also, our exes kinda sucked - so by not dating them, he's just further proving his awesomeness.

1. Josh is Reliable to the Extreme
"But he hasn't spoken a word to you in nearly three years", I wish I heard you say, since frankly, the voices from the dark hole within my heart are getting kinda old. It may be true that I've not spoken to him in a little while... But that's exactly what makes him so God damned reliable! I can always count on him not being there. Even more precisely, I can usually count on him being at least several thousand miles away. I have never, ever thought 'My lord! If I can just talk to Josh, then this would be so easy', and in so doing, I've never been let down by him - unlike almost everybody else ever.

Hey, you don't get cynical without having been let down once or twice by humanity.

Josh, my dear, dear friend - you are precisely so dear because you are so very distant. That is the number one reason I love you: you're some guy who seemed vaguely cool, and vaguely less douchy than Cowinhim at a critical point in my life. You are somebody who I barely know, and probably never will know all that well... Which leads me to my next point - point Zero.

0. Josh is a Fictional Character to Me... No Schizo
No, no, no... Unlike a lot of things on this blog, Josh is not made up. Mr. Esposito is a very real, very foreign-name-sounding-even-though-he's-totally-a-cracker human being - and he was in fact both mine and Caowin's friend in the first couple years of high school. Actually, apart from the dialogue (which I totally attached a disclaimer to...), I haven't made up or embellished any of this stuff. When I say that Josh is a fictional character to me, I mean that he is literally a fictional character to me.

Honestly, no schizo.

In at least half of every script that Caowin and I have ever written, there has had to be a third musketeer to compliment our two. The Caowiny character is always an idiot, and the Ricey character is always uber-macht-rational, and so this third musketeer has always needed to be in-between: not some super-nerd, and not a drunken buffoon. In other words, he had to be C-O-O-L. The problem here is that neither of us have ever known any truly cool people. I mean, come on. We write a blog.

So, when we were brainstorming for our first 'big' (our word for it) idea, To Nowhere in Particular, I suggested literally the coolest person I knew for the basis of our 'cool guy'. Ever since then, that character has grown and evolved, and he has in turn become the basis for other 'cool guy' characters in other scripts we've written - a basis that we have since named "The Josh character". In so doing this, 'Josh' as I know him has ceased to be Josh, and has become every character that has been based on that faint kernel of his actual personality present since TNIP.

That's right Josh, I'm sorry to say this... But points three through one are kinda ridiculous really. I love you as much as I do (a lot, by the way) because you are a Scottish space pirate with a penchant for pillaging, raping, and shiny piles of loot. I love you because you're that guy who's stood at the bar, attracting one-dimensional extras and being super-successful. I love you because you're the guy who always tells us both that we're being insane - and you're that guy who we both ignore.

Although, that last one applies pretty well in real life too, since you have told us that - and we are and do. From us at the Public Unintellectuals, thanks for reading this, Josh - you crazy caricature[s], you.

Y. S. Rice

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Caowin's Story about The Best Week Ever

I know what you guys are thinking. “Caowin! You said you were going to be doing homework, not writing your amazing brand of unintellectuality! Why aren’t you getting one of those ‘grades’?” Well, fellow nonthinkers, it turns out that no matter what I do, I will get a grade for each of my classes. All my hard work can do is change what letter that grade is labeled with – and I believe in letter equality.

Obviously, that was cause for celebration. All work and no play makes a person really gay. (This is another one of the amazing poems I've written in my side career as a slam poet.) So of course last Wednesday I took my Mitty Witty to see "Breaking Dawn: Part 1" with me. That's the movie based on half of the book.

As you already know from Mr. Rice's last post, Breaking Dawn is the number one movie in the world. [Editor's note: Y. S. Rice. "Fuck you."] And let me tell you guys, I can corroborate that story. It was awesome! If you haven't read my review of the book, please do, since the movie followed the book's plot fairly accurately, sans the gay "let's have a battle oh wait let's not" thing at the end

More important, however, was the movie's sexual content. Five seconds into the movie Jacob already had his shirt off. Later, we get to watch Edward and Bella get it on. Of course, there was those fifteen minutes of Edward refusing to have sex with Bella again because he felt guilty (the panzy), at one point even laughing at Bella's feeble attempts to get Edward to screw her. But by then, Romneykins and I were not in a position where we could watch the movie, if you know what I mean.

And then the greatest thing of all happened, thus concluding the best week ever. Herman Cain dropped out of the race! Now I don't want you guys to thinkI'm a racist. (Or, in other words, I don't want you guys to not read my stuff because you know I'm a racist.) But one black presidential candidate is enough for me. I mean, we get the point black people. You can be whatever you want. Now shut the fuck up and eat your goddamn fried chicken already.

Even better, this takes away a major contender against Mitty. I mean, I believe with all my heart that I will be the lover to the future Mr. Prezzybuns, not whatever employee that Herman Cain is raping at the moment. (I would link that to a story about Herman Cain forcing an employee of his into doing sexual favors, but come on. Really.) But it always feels good when I know that something is going to make it easier for my favorite ball of adorable presidential candidacy.

Well, that's why last week was the best week ever. I hope you had as good a week as I did, although I doubt it. Haha, losers. Have fun with your quiet lives of desperation!

Titanic 3-D: A Preemptive Review

Hi again guys,

Y. S. Rice here, and no - I have not somehow managed to get into some top-secret pre-pre-release to the new Titanic re-release coming out next spring, IN 3D!!!!!1!1!!1111!1!!!!1!

Sorry... I just came - or at least, I would have if I was a... Actually, I have genuinely no idea who the target audience is for this film. There isn't a whole lot of action going on, so the 3D spectacle won't be that impressive*, and it's Titanic, so there is not a whole lot of plot going on for two reasons: it was "directed, written, co-produced, and co-edited by James Cameron" - and we all literally know what happens already.

Here is a subtle hint.

So, if you actually want to see this film, congratulations; I literally have no idea what social group, race, religion, or creed you could possibly be affiliated with - but whoever you are, you don't believe in history, and you think that 1997 Academy Award winning films are somehow too dated to watch (without being remade) any more. Less than twenty years later. Actually, you can join the social group known as Nick Clegg and the Cameron Bros: people that Y. S. Rice is disappointed in.

Speaking of James Cameron, this article from screenrant.com explains why I will hate this film with such brevity and accuracy that even I am wondering if I didn't ghost-write it for them and then forget all about it. In the very first sentence (the first two words in fact), I quote: "James Cameron's". If that doesn't explain everything, then you should really read some of my older articles. But even if you do understand, you may still be wondering if I have any actual evidence to present against this film. After all, I haven't actually seen the movie yet (read as: 'and never will').

I have evidence, and it agrees with me.

Aside from the lack of any discernible audience with an IQ above 70, there's the matter of the quality of the 3D as a whole: "By James Cameron's own admission, a 3D rendering of Titanic will not look as good as Avatar, which was shot with 3D in mind". This is because, *Avatar - despite it's many failings - was filmed with a bi-ocular camera, which views things in exactly the same 3D fashion as our real eyes. Titanic, on the other hand - also with it's own many failings [to be discussed at a later date] - was filmed 'back in the day', when 3D films looked like this:

It's just like he's popping out of the screen, pinning me to the
ground, and punching my face until my brain hemorrhages.
It is well known that 'true-3D' films, such as Avatar and most animated 3D films (created with simulated bi-ocular cameras), produce realistic and impressive 3D images. Cheap movies, such as Clash of the Titans (both the original and remake were cheap, but I mean the remake), are digitally transferred to the 3D medium, thus creating an artificial '2nd grade diorama'-like 3D affect. This sucks.

Did I mention that James Cameron wrote the movie in question? Just checking.

Also, there is approximately one shot in the whole film which will look particularly cool in 3D at all:

Everybody gets one.
Impressive shot, I mean - not a lifeboat.

And James Cameron wrote it! And it's less than 15 years old! And Cameron wrote it!

Honestly, I don't know why I'm even trying to piece together a rational argument proclaiming how bad this is going to be. It will just be bad of its own volition: it is bad, and therefore it is. If you really want to see an attempt to make money off of Titanic's original success (dear lord, not the ship; the movie), then I cannot recommend Shane Van Dyke's Titanic II enough: it's hilariously bad, and it's directed, written by, and starring the same guy with a hilarious surname. Best lines? The bit where the designer explains that his ship (which is aesthetically identical to the original, and had just been hit along the side by an iceberg) wasn't designed to take a blow to the side from an iceberg - because he didn't anticipate that happening

True story.
And on that note, I'd better get going. Titanic looks pretty grim to me, but admittedly it could be worse. They could be as deluded as the marketing division of Twilight: Breaking Dawn.

Because screw you, Godfather, 2001: A Space Odyssey,
The Seven Samurai, and so many other, more #1ish, films.
This has been very tardily yours,

Y. S. Rice