Thursday, November 3, 2011

Caowin's Editorial on Morality

Some of you probably read the title today and are now thinking "What the fuck?". I mean, seriously, what the fuck do I (that's capitalized for emphasis btw) know about morality? I am a rape-advocate, a Jew hater, and a Republican - but is it not true that sometimes the greatest things can come from the most unexpected sources? For example, there is that oft-told story of a little boy, born to a virgin mother in a barn - yes, Chuck Norris - and who honestly expected him to learn the roundhouse kick so well on that shining first eve of life? Certainly not the three wise men! Let me assure you!

Wait... Am I mixing that up with something else? Maybe. Meh. Who cares. Point is, that it's an uplifting story for anyone who isn't a wise man - and you know me better than that, guys! [EDITOR'S NOTE: Y. S. Rice - yes]. Point is, morality is like very very important to me. I have even written up a short moral code. Mine's not as wordy as the Pen Commandments or-whatever-they're-called, but I think it is more relevant in today's day and age (which by the way is Thursday) - plus it's shorter, which really helps people get it,

1. One should be good to people, unless it's easier not to be.

Seriously guys! I'm always following this rule, and I feel great: helping an old lady cross the road is lame and makes me look like I like fucking old ladies - pushing an old lady into 6 lanes of traffic is both fun AND makes it clear that I don't fancy her; helping Yair by 'editing' his articles by adding comments about how gay and about-to-be punched he is both helpful AND fun, so of course I always agree to help him when he asks (and sometimes just when I get bored).

2. Even if it conflicts with rule one, one should always seek to be good to people - except when they are sucky people.

This is a rule which even my co-writer loves and follows, but he probably doesn't know that he does because he is also a sucky person. My niceness is a valuable and much-loved thing, so why should I waste it on people who are (as Yair would wordily say) "Awful human beings like [Jews, gays, and liberals, and]* both James and David Cameron".

*I added these examples myself, since they seemed to slip Yair's mind.

3. Except where rules one and two apply, one should always behave 'morally' if one is gay and/or lesbian, which is why homos are always so nice!

Think about it! That's gay peoples' redeeming quality - they are always chirpy and happy and nice for bo apparent reason! Heck, I'm pretty sure that my biology textbook even said that lesbians don't get periods. Yair is obviously an exception here, but I think that it's just his inner Jew coming out - he's gay and his inner Jew is 'coming out'! Get it? Anyways, that is why morality is for homos.

Follow these three rules, and you'll be every bit as awesome and manly as meeeeeee! Or, if you do want to be a homo, listen to Yair: he'd probably say something like "Just be good to people". Hahahahaha that's a good one, co-writer! Seriously, go the straight way. He's quite silly sometimes.

No homo/morality-o! Ba bye!

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