Monday, October 17, 2011

Top of the News 17/10/11

Monday again!

Hope you all caught our ridiculously one-sided debate on Saturday. If you didn't, the links right there, and if you did, then here's your dose of Public Unintellectuality for today:

Google's top news for me today? Oliver Letwin, the British Prime Minister's chief policy advisor, is under investigation over 'potential security risks'. What were these security risks? Oh nothing much, really. Probably just some red-tape bollocks. Nonsense, I'm sure. You know what politics is HOLY MOTHER OF GOD this guy was throwing private government documents in a bin at a park straight after meetings with the Prime Minister - right on freakin' Downing Street. To give a little frame of reference for our non-U.K. readers, this would be similar to Hilary Clinton having a meeting with Barrack Obama at the White House, leaving for lunch, getting bored along the way, and dumping the top secret papers Obama gave her in a bin next to the Washington Memorial.

While normally I would question the sensibility of hiring somebody named 'Letwin' as a political advisor-
Let them win. It'll be easier than trying, Mr. Cameron.
-it seems that this time, it genuinely wasn't sensible at all. For once, the government is now agreeing with me. Though, of course, they did hire him in the first place. Swings and roundabouts, I guess.

Labour leader, Ed Miliband had some pretty obvious things to say about the situation: "[Letwin was] treating important papers with contempt" and "[he was] engaging in strange behaviour". Apart from being obvious, I dare-say that the latter is something of an understatement. Strange behaviour is when you're organising a surprise party for a flat-mate so you stay out of their way more than usual. Strange behaviour is when you're stoned off your face and spend 10 minutes staring at your own hand and wondering how it got there. Strange behaviour is when you finish that bottle of whiskey and think "I can totally jump over that bollard!" when you would've struggled over it while sober. What strange behaviour is not, is throwing government policy secrets into a bin in a park. In London.

My God! London. Have you ever been there? I have. It's a wonderful capitol city - don't get me wrong - but the homeless population in a typical London park is approximately equivalent to the population of a small South American republic. Sure, "Our understanding is that there were no classified documents", according to an official spokeswoman - but there is a reason why this stuff hasn't been released to the general republic yet, surely. What if there was some big announcement that was going to be made soon? And, you know, the PM himself wanted to announce it properly?
"... I can deep-throat an entire banana. Just ask Nick Clegg."
Still, I suppose this shouldn't really come as a shock to us all. As I've stated previously, the U.K. government has been pretty rubbish since... Ooh... Winston Churchill? And even he was certifiably insane when you check the facts. As a voter, I have had many thoughts on the subject of why our politicians are so rubbish, and I've come to one conclusion: they're all identical.

Right. I know what you're thinking: either "Duh - all politicians are the scum of the Earth", or "You're wrong! My party is the best party ever, and it's so much better than all other parties!". Either way, you're failing to see the situation over here. In the States, we have two significant parties that are polar opposites on just about every single issue. I think that the only thing that Democrats and Republicans can agree on is that the U.S. shouldn't cede itself back into British hegemony. In the U.K., that seemed to be the case, at least until recently. That was when a few things happened.

Firstly, there are now three major political parties: Conservative, Labour, and Liberal-Democrat. Nominally, these are right-wing, left-wing, and moderate left-wing. This new paradigm shift in politics has watered down both sides of the old balance (Conservative and Labour). English readers may be confused as to why I say that, since you probably have your favourite side. Let's look at the facts: all three parties have been in favour of different tax raises, all three parties are comprised of wealthy bastards who pretend to be common people-

-and all three parties are relentlessly mocked. Actually, the above video kinda supports that idea too. My point? Nobody I know likes our government here in England. Nobody liked it when we had Gordon Brown (unelected), and nobody liked it in the last few years of Blair either. I know plenty of people who hate Obama (Republicans, rednecks, and Republican rednecks), but I also know plenty of people who like Obama (Democrats, sensible people, and the rest of the world outside America). 

Our political parties over here are washed out like those red socks you threw in the wash with your white shirts. Conservatives are openly posh bi-partisans, Labour are closeted posh bi-partisans, and Lib-Dems are somewhat openly posh bi-partisans. All of them want to squeeze the British public for every pence they have. I am in favour of scaled taxing, but not when 50% of your money can end up going to the government. At that point, there's just no point trying for the whole 'social mobility' malarky any more.

Actually, I have an idea! The U.S. can solve it's problems and England's in one fell swoop: all you need to do is send your Tea Party supporters over to the U.K. 

Think about it. 

They already like dressing like they're from the 18th century, so they'll love how quaint and history-filled our country is. They don't think that taxes should exist, basically, so they'll combat the Hell outta our ridiculous taxes (did I mention sales tax is 20%?); and they're passionate racists, so the British National/Nazi Party can get behind them. Best of all, they'll show the British voting public what 'right-wing' actually means, forcing a more honest Democrat-style party into being. Then the Democrats will inevitably win over the crazy Tea Party guys, and everyone will be happy.


Mr. Cameron should hire me as his policy advisor next time. My plan will work a lot better than binning government files. Seriously.

Bringing you the politics, this has been,

Y. S. Rice

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