Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Caowin's Editorial on Libertarianism

So libertarians, for perhaps the first time in human history, won a poll - namely, my "Which minority group is the most annoying?" poll. So this Thursday's article will discuss them and why they suck so badly.

Now, you might be thinking, "Caowin, what do you, a self-proclaimed Public Unintellectual, know about libertarianism?" Well, I'll have you know that, anticipating the libertarian's success (bet you'll never hear that again!), I attended a Ron Paul event.

Of course, since the handicapped, rape victims, and Jews also had good chances of winning, I also pretended to be handicapped to get people to do stuff for me, hit on women at the Rape Crisis Center, and burned down a local synagogue. I like to keep my bases covered.

Anyway, I learned at said Ron Paul rally that, in many ways, I'm a libertarian. I don't believe in welfare. I hate Medicaid. I even dream about peeing on poor people. But there are many things that libertarians and I disagree on.

For example, the wars on drugs, crime and terror. Most libertarians will tell you that these aren't really wars at all, since they do not involve engaging a nation-state in a military conflict, and are merely talking points used to justify exorbitant military and police funding (whatever that means).

But obviously they've never heard of  "Thumb Wars." Or "Mafia Wars." Or the card game "War." Or "Wario." These are all war things that have nothing to do with nation-state. QED bitches.

Or what about about their radical opposition to foreign aid? Now, I'm fine with not giving money to starving people in Africa - those people have overwhelmingly dark skin. [Editor's Rice: Rice - I apologize for my cowriter's obvious insensitivity.][Writer's Note: Caowinhim - You don't have to worry about offending black people: they can't read, silly!]

But what about Israel? If those Jews don't have a homeland, where am I supposed to launch my missiles when I become the first Nationalist Socialist President of the United States of America?

And what about gay marriage? Perhaps worse than the end of all those wars on ideals and the potential destruction of my Nazi dream, gay marriage would effectively be really homo.

So, in conclusion, while distaste towards the poor is something libertarians and I share, I cannot in good conscience call libertarians anything less than "Republican wannabes." So, in the wise words of Laura Schlesinger, "Go do the right thing?"

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