Monday, October 31, 2011

Bottom of the News, 31/10/11

Happy Halloween, fellow unintellectuals! Of course, I'm not here to tell you that I want to suck your blood - Mitt Romney and I have a completely exclusive blood-sucking relationship that satisfies me on a vampirosexual level. No, I'm here to report on the various bottoms relevant to the news - and that bottom, of course, is none other than my Mitty Witty's!!

Now, many of my friends will know that I am bad with technology. Not just bad - absolutely retarded with it. I regularly need to get Yair, my cowriter, to debug my computer. I broke my Blackberry by trying to type an essay on it. One time, I even accidentally had sex with a toaster.

So when I went on Google to look for the news, I had a really hard time. I didn't see it on the top part of the browser, so I clicked "More." When I didn't see it on the drop down list, I clicked, "Even more." That's when I was redirected to a page that was even scarier and more confusing.

I quickly looked for something to do - and that's when I saw "What do you love?" in big letters at the top. So I said, "Duh, Mitt Romney's bottom." I typed that into the search box and clicked the heart. That's when I saw it.

You can adore it here
An entire page with information on Mitt Romney's bottom! Books about it, pictures of it, videos! You can start a discussion group about it, email people about it, even - and I'm completely serious when I say this - "Scour the Earth for Mitt Romney's Bottom."

Now you can imagine my joy upon reaching this page. However, I had work to do, so after a quick wank, I went down and clicked the top of "Latest news about Mitt Romney's bottom."

The article talked about Governor Romneykinz not doing very well in the polls in Iowa. This is no surprise - those Midwestern hicks just don't have the sophistication to appreciate his cool, apathetic appeal. This is why Romney-Bear and I moved to Massachusetts.

But the article made other points. For example, they argued that my Rom-Rom wasn't socially conservative enough for them. What do they mean? What's not socially conservative about saying "No homo" every time you make love to a young blogging male? Believe me - my Future Mr. Prezzybuns is going to dump a load of social conservatism all over America's face.

Socially conservative!
And the article got worse. The person beating him in the polls was - you guessed it - a black guy! Now, you all know by now that I'm not a fan of black guys. Nothing personal; I just don't trust anyone with a penis larger than their brain. (Looking at you, Barack! No homo.)

And to think that such a person is raping my Mitty Witty in the polls! As that ball of future presidency's no homo lover, I'm very protective of him. I'm not letting some Moor violate Mitchellbear, politically or otherwise.

Anyway, I'd love to sit and complain about black people, but I've got a picture of Mitt Romney that I still need to masturbate to. Bye!


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