Monday, October 3, 2011

Caowin's Review of Breaking Dawn

America, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently. Now, I usually try to avoid such a dangerous occupation, lest I end up like my tragically homosexual cowriter Mr. Not-as-cool-as-Caowin (as I like to call him.)

Now, Mr. Not-as-cool-as-Caowin has recently announced that he plans to do a feature on a science-fiction movie, hopefully Avatar (because, I mean, supertall smurfs fucking is AWESOME). But, as far as I know, no science-fiction movies talk about the most important issue for people in the modern era – namely, what it’s like to date a supercute vampire.

Now, I don’t want you guys thinking I’m obsessed with Edward or anything. That would be kind of gay, especially since Edward sparkles and plays piano like he’s Elton John or something
Proof that playing piano is gay

That’s why I was totally Team Jacob. I mean, that guy fixes cars and hangs out with his bros and turns into a wolf. That’s what REAL men do. Not sit around all day masturbating to Debussy like Edward.

That was before I read Breaking Dawn. Now, this article is going to have all kinds of spoilers, so if you haven’t read Breaking Dawn and you plan to, don’t read on. Of course, if you haven’t read Breaking Dawn and you don’t plan to do it in the future, read on. I promise to skip all the gay parts where Bella talks about her emotions.

Now, the start of Breaking Dawn is kind of homo. Bella and Edward get married at Edward’s insistence. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? If some girl told me, “Hey, Caowin, let’s not get married, but still have sex for the rest of eternity,” I would not be like “Sorry girly, I want to wait until marriage before I do that thing that life is all about.”

Proof that waiting til marriage is also gay, and can even negate the coolness of being in a band.
But hey - they do that whole honeymoon thing. Now, they don’t go into detail, but Bella wakes up after the first night all bruised and beaten, but she’s like “That was amazing!! I want to do that again!” Of course, Edward feels kind of guilty about the whole thing, but Bella also wakes up the SECOND night all bruised and beaten, so I don’t know how bad he actually felt.

Now, reading this part, Edward starts to make a lot of sense. He’s not ACTUALLY a fag who thinks keyboards are cool and marriage is a good idea. He just PRETENDS to be a fag so that when he DESTROYS BELLA’S VAGINA, he can still pretend not to be a complete asshole.
You could be made of rainbows and ride unicorns professionally, and I would still call you straight if you did this to women during sex.
Still, all this wouldn’t have made me switch from Team Jacob to Team Edward. I mean, I’m pretty loyal, even to fictional werewolves in books written by ex-Mormons. However, right at the end of the book, two things happened.

First, all the people who had planned to fight (there was like, a whole bunch of them, and they were all superbadass) decided that, rather than use violence to solve their problems, they would use words. This didn’t really sway my opinion, but I felt like it should be mentioned, so you know that Breaking Dawn is still pretty homo.

Second, Jacob “imprinted” (pretty much fell in werewolf love) with Bella’s child, who had just been born. PEDOPHILES ARE NOT BADASS, EVER. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Caowin, what ever happened to that whole ‘rape is cool’ shpiel you were going on the other day?” (In case you guys are wondering, you can still find that here. I wouldn’t mention it except for the fact that my cowriter hates that blogpost, and wants as few people to see it as possible.)*

But here’s the thing. Normal rapists are cool because they want to have sex with people that normal people want to have sex with. The only difference is that they have a different technique, one that, when implemented correctly, is 100% effective. (Don’t you wish you got THOSE results?)

However, pedophilia is not badass. At all. Ever. No. Ew, ew, ew. BAD PEDOPHILE WEREWOLF. Omigod that’s disgusting. I literally have nothing to say about pedophilia, because the subject, much like the children themselves, SHOULD BE UNTOUCHED.

Now, with all due respect, Jacob has some magical werewolf non-aging ability that means he can wait for the little girl to grow up before he has sex with her. But still, NO. BAD. BAD DOG. STOP HUMPING THE BABY, JACOB. BAD DOG.

So, in conclusion, Breaking Dawn was enlightening. It taught me that A) Edward wasn’t a faggot, B) vampires like to talk their problems out (who knew?), and C) JACOB IS A CREEP WHO SHOULD NEVER BE MENTIONED AGAIN.

*Go to Hell, Caowin.

Edited some big grammar mistakes, to make you look less stupid while you were insulting me - Y.S.R.

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