Friday, September 30, 2011

Point/Counterpoint 1: Gay Marriage

Hey readers. Caowin here. I know you guys totally think I'm way awesomer than that Yair guy. And, I mean, who could blame you. I'm smarter, funnier, and probably get a lot more of the ladies. However, since this is a joint blog, I have to occasionally pretend to take his words to heart. No homo.

For example, he has recently told me that some of my material is a bit offensive. To this, I replied, "Of course it was. That's why I wrote that apology." He explained to me that, while my apology may have had good intentions ("but probably didn't"), it did very little to actually apologize for anything.

"But I have an idea," he told me. "Why don't you write whatever you want [like I wasn't going to anyway] and I'll just write an opposing view underneath? We can make it a segment, and call it 'Point/Counterpoint'. You know, so people hate us less."

And that's what we're doing. In this new weekly joint article I will make my point - namely that gay marriage is kind of homo - and Mr. Rice will attempt (and probably fail) to refute the awesome sauce that is my argument.



I hate the gays
The reason why
Is cuz they're gay
Or sometimes bi
I hate those gays
Whose creepy eyes
Want other guys
But lesbians are okay cuz that's hot.

-Jester Antonio Caowinhim, Award-Winning Slam Poet

You guys might know me as the loveably xenophobic writer, but you might not know that I'm also a poet. In fact, the Jester Antonio Caowinhim who wrote that poem is the same one that writes these amazing articles!

What that poem talks about is an underlying fear in western society - namely, of men that want other men. These people are commonly known as "gays," although I prefer to call them "Fabulous-Americans."

These Fabulous-Americans have recently formed a Rainbow Army, bent on conquering america. They have recently repealed Don't Ask-Don't Tell, more commonly known as "Military Men Live with Each Other - NO HOMO," and are turning our country into a land of rainbow-colored glitter. Now, it's not that I hate lands of rainbow-colored glitter... In fact, I fully support French nationhood. However, I would cry if such a fate ever befelll the USA.

And yet, gay marriage is quickly becoming a possibility. Six states have already passed it, and the issue is on everyone's mind. "Are these homos as bad as we all think?" people ask themselves. "Why SHOULDN'T gays get married?" But we cannot succumb to the wishes of homos, if only because that would sound pretty gay.

First of all, we must consider that there is no precedent in Western society for gay marriage. Even the Greeks, the most homo society in human history, had no gay marriage. The Greek model for a homosexual society proves that homos can be plenty happy unmarried.

In fact, I would even argue they are HAPPIER without it. Men, as virtually everyone knows, hates marriage. This is because marriage is like prison - you are forced to board with one person who you might not even like and lose your liberty to do what you want when you want. In fact, marriage is worse - you never hear of a prisoner getting mad because their roommate buttfucked someone else in the shower. If you care about Fabulous-Americans at all, you cannot allow them to ruin their lives by getting married.

And what about the children? While some have argued that being adopted by gays - or being "gaydopted," as scholars call it - doesn't make children become gay, it certainly doesn't help. I mean, small children love bright colors and glitter, right? But straight fathers usually beat this out of them.

But imagine a child raised by Fabulous-Americans - his love for bright colors and glitter wouldn't be beaten out of him because his Fabulous American parents would ALSO LIKE BRIGHT COLORS AND GLITTER. Accept it - gay parents don't have the viciousness to beat their children for expressing themselves.

But most importantly, we must consider one of the most valuable resources America has - gay jokes. That shit is fucking hilarious! I mean, Americans have terrible test scores, are dependent on their ideological enemy for their cheap goods, and suck overall. But we always had our hilarious "You're a homo!" jokes to make us look cool. If we pass gay marriage, being disrespectful to homos seems mean.

Gay marriage is bad. Not just for the society in denigrates, nor the Fabulous-Americans it punishes, nor the children it corrupts, but for America as a member of a globalized world.


Y. S. Rice's Counterpoint:

Hello again, dear readers, and please allow me to be the second to welcome you to the first Public Unintellectuals point-counterpoint debate. My colleague has probably already told you his misguided side of the issue at hand - not to mention an almost definite joke implying that I am homosexual myself - so let me reassure you that although I am not in any way gay, I shall almost certainly be standing up for the exact opposite of everything that he has said.I think that the first and most significant argument in favour of gay marriage is this:

It was hard to narrow it down to one celebrity marriage.
It was also hard to narrow it down to one witty caption.

Yes, that is Britney Spears and What's-His-Name (I genuinely do not care). They got married in, quite literally, some year in a perfectly heterosexual wedding. So how does this show approval of gay marriage? I would normally make a comment such as 'But, if we allow the mentally handicapped to wed, then why not perfectly intelligent homosexuals?' however, I have a deeply serious point to make here. That is, if we allow the mentally handicapped to wed ON THE WORLD STAGE OF GOSSIP AND TELEVISION, then GET DIVORCED ON THE WORLD STAGE OF GOSSIP AND TELEVISION, then why can't some inconspicuous gay couple make their relationship more legitimate? Straight people have a terrible track record when it comes to marriage (Henry VIII, I'm looking at you). Indeed, there is the oft-quoted (but I would like to believe, exaggerated) statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Think of some rich guy or gal you know; how many times have they been married? I'm willing to bet that most of you answered that with 'more than once'. So, if straight men and women are allowed to make terrible, stupid, life-affecting and life-wasting decisions, then why should the gays be saved from it? Just because they like people with the same equipment? I say that if we straights are allowed to be totally immoral, then why can't gays be moral? After all, marriage is a pretty damn moral act. Certainly better than 'living in sin', as the religious objectors might say.

"But wait! MY Bible says that men must not lie with other men", I hear you call. Unlike Caowin, I shall not at this point tear apart your guide to life; I have a deep respect religion. I would, however, like to also point out that the Bible says a lot of things that we no longer stand by. I'm talking about subtle things here.

Not this guy, in other words.

The Bible gives us dominion over all creatures, for example, and yet we now consider killing cute pandas a sin. It also says that we should not be envious, but have you really never, ever, even once, wished that you had something that your buddy had? Also, suicide is a sin (since only God has the right to take life), so that means that everyone you have ever known and loved who has killed themselves is now burning in Hell. Even Ernest Hemingway. Does that thought disturb you? Homophobia disturbs some people too. I'm a theist, and believer in religion, by the way.

Finally, and most importantly, there is our own image to consider. As some of you may recall from my earlier posts, I am a tri-national citizen and have spent years living on opposite sides of the planet. That means that I have had many, many, opportunities to witness first-hand what non-Americans think of Americans. If you're curious what that might be, I'll give you a hint: it begins with "They are all", and ends with "bigoted morons".

I have genuinely no idea how they came to that conclusion.
God bless these United States of America.

There are a great number of reasons for this; our foreign policy, our xenophobic views of other countries, our foreign policy, our history of (and continued in some areas) racism, our foreign policy, our vapid consumerism, our foreign policy, etc. So it's not like we can totally cure our bad P.R. overnight, but we can do something. Let's see... Where are civil unions allowed? Everywhere in the E.U. Where are they disallowed? Extreme-right-wing near-dictatorships in the Middle-East and Africa. Could that be something worth considering? No, no, that's silly.

Hang on!

Yes, that might just be it! Eureka! Forwards thinking countries are doing it. And do you know why? Because we've been through all of this before. Many, many times. And it's never gone down well in the end. Xenophobia is as old as cave-paintings. Now, before you return to your scrawling on the interior walls of your abode with those shiny new Crayolas, just consider that point for a moment: you are acting like a caveman (or woman) every time you are being racist/sexist/homophobic. Come on, America! Let's move out of the 321st century BCE today, and into the 320th at least. I really want to be able to travel without being justifiably hated by the rest of the world.

What's more - when our politicians are done debating whether gays should be allowed to marry, maybe they can move onto more... you know, political, issues.

politicsplural of pol·i·tics (Noun)

1. The activities associated with the governance of a country or area.
2. The activities of governments concerning the political relations between countries.
Last I checked, gay marriage has literally nothing to do with a "Country or area", or even the "relations between countries" - that is, unless said countries are both the same sex and are getting married to each other. No, seriously. There are so many more issues that politicians should be focussing on instead: taxes, the conflicts in the Middle-East, and our status as an imperial power. You know what these things have in common? They are not moral issues (which should be settled on a personal level); they are cold, hard, political things (which are meant to be handled by the State).

Remember: legalising gay marriage doesn't mean that you have to get married to someone of the same gender too. It means choice. While you're considering just what 'democracy' means*, give a good hard listen to Our Country, by John Mellencamp. Listen and think. Think and rock that country sound.

Bringing down world fascism as always, this has been,

Y. S. Rice

*It means choice, dude.


Definition of 'politics' is from Google and

Wikipedia is linked for information regarding racism.

Youtube provides that awesome song of patriotism in a dream USA.

All pictures, as usual, link to their derivative pages. Please do feel free to click on them, since we're effectively stealing their bandwidth with those pics.

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