Monday, September 19, 2011

Caowin's Editorial on Rape

Hey, I'm Jester Antonio Caowinhim, but you can call me Caowin. Or Professor Awesome. Or that guy that totally blows Yair, my cowriter, out of the water. Actually, I'd prefer that last one.

Let's do that again. Hey, I'm that guy that totally blows Yair, my cowriter, out of the water. You see, while he thinks that things that happen in the world are important, I don't think at all. That's what it means to be a public unintellectual.

Anyway, this is not the place to discuss how much Yair sucks. That will be dealt with in future editorials, like "Caowin's Editorial on Britain," "Caowin's Editorial on Homosexuality," and "Caowin's Editorial on Names that Start with Y."

***

It's a story as old as time itself. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Girl says no. Boy has sex with her anyway. What's more, she was an aspiring actress, and he a filmmaker, so their love seemed inevitable. However, instead of being cherished as a part of a beautiful love story, Madhur Bhandarkur was sent to court for raping Preeni Jain.

Yes, there are laws against rape. But, like St. Augustine said, "An unjust law is no law at all. I mean, even medieval Christian philosophers need some loving every now and then, and women don't judge a man by the size of their wisdom, if you know what I mean."

Now, I know rape is a sensitive subject, so in the spirit of my rapist brethren, I will take something really sensitive and thrust myself into it until there is blood.

Ancient men often stole the freedom of women by forcing them into marriage, much like women do to men in modern times. This was due to the fact that the other way of getting girls, showing off your new car to them, was not an option for many of our ancestors. In fact, rape was so prevalent in Ancient Greece that their language, which has like 50 different words for love, doesn't have a separate one for when the receiver wasn't willing.

In addition to being integral in day-to-day romancing, rape has also been important in war. During a battle, the invader would rape the invaded city's women, just to get the point of complete domination across. The Vikings even believed that rape ensured their victory - a ritual with a questionable premise, sure, but you didn't really hear the Vikings complaining.

In addition to being a part of Western society's legacy, rape is also heart-healthy. Scientists have discovered that having sex is actually a great workout - just one more reason they shouldn't have become scientists.

Think about how the forcible aspect of rape might contribute to this. Normal sex works out your hips, mostly. However, the act of pinning a woman down while you're thrusting turns a core muscle exercise into a full-body workout.

Furthermore, rape also works out the receiver. I'm pretty sure that their heartbeat goes up at least a bit, although no one has done a study to confirm or deny this. I don't see why not. Seems like a pretty obvious idea to me.

However, despite these obvious benefits, the rights of rapists have recently taken a turn for the worst. Rather than being something you can brag about, rape has become something that smelly feminist lesbos can call oppression. Some people are even calling it a "crisis," something rapists everywhere should be offended by.

Indeed, it as though people forget that some of the greatest men of all time, like the legendary hero Gilgamesh, Christopher Columbus, Strauss Kahn (creator of the IMF) and everyone who wears their hat with a jaunty tilt, are rapists.

Luckily, while they've taken away the glory of rape, they still haven't removed the necessary tools to accomplish it. So go out, and promote rape wherever you can! That girl who lives across from you looks cute. If you won't, I will.

5 comments:

  1. Is it too late to renounce my support of this blog?

    Y. S. Rice

    ReplyDelete
  2. You can't censor me! I'm just speaking truth to power. Power that doesn't enjoy being raped.

    ReplyDelete
  3. wow, a troll who uses painful experiences of others to gain attention zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think he was being ironic. He just failed. Hard.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Damn Caowin, you so crazy. Your co-host is mad Yair, keep him on a leash at all times.

    ReplyDelete