So, as most of my friends already know, I love Mitt Romney (or, as I like to call him, "Mitty Witty"). Well, yesterday was the Republican caucus in Iowa, and you cannot believe how happy I was to see him win. I am so glad that Iowa Republicans finally see what I see in Mitty Witty - that he's tall, cute and great in bed.
However, Santorum also did surprisingly well. In case you're wondering, "santorum" is defined as “a frothy mixture of fecal matter and lubricant which is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex." And last night, Santorum shot up in the polls, all over Iowa. This was disgusting, to say the least, but Romneykins and I kept our bearing – it happens to us all the time.
Now, I don't know how to feel about this Santorum guy. On the one hand, he vows to bomb Iran, and I really hate Iran. Nothing against most Iranians. I just really hate two of them – Ashkaan Koupenijad and Mahmoud Ahmajaendasjkableh (I can’t spell Mahmoud's last name).
Now, you probably have no clue who Ashkaan is. He’s actually a super annoying dude I know who hates me because I dated someone he likes, and because he is a complete failure. I mean, I don't think I've met anyone that genuinely likes him, just saying.
But even more than I hate Ashkaan, I hate Mahmoud. Now, I don’t mind that he’s the theocratic dictator of Iran. Nor do I care that he’s probably building a nuclear weapon and that he is probably going to use it against Israel. That sounds like Israel’s problem. Rather, I hate Mahmoud because of this song.
I mean, Mahmoud is a political leader. How the hell does he think he can get away with having a comedian say this kind of stuff about him? Furthermore, what kind of world do we live in where comedians are allowed to proclaim their love for important political figures? Suffice to say, Mitty Witty and I think it's a bit ridiculous.
Anyway, while I totally agree with bombing Iran, I do not agree with anyone that thinks he can be a better president than my Mitty Witty. I mean, look at santorum.
No, look at Rick Santorum.
He hardly has a bottom at all! And he's kind of fat! I mean, I daresay he's got no sex appeal at all. Anyway, I hope he's ready to take a chillacking from the future Mr. Prezzybuns, my Mitty Witty himself, because as Rick Perry, Herman Cain, and Newt Gingrich can all attest too, a sudden surge in the polls does not make one a lasting top-tier candidate.