Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Conversations

So APPARENTLY Y. S. Rice thinks I need to stop starting my posts with "Hey." Of course, I told him, "But it reminds the viewers that I'm a fun, casual guy and that my posts are less like news articles and more like a conversation with a friend that always has something interesting and discriminatory to say."

"Right," Y. S. Rice responded, but in that tone he uses when he's saying something he doesn't believe. I think he calls it "sarcasm," although there's only one kind of "asm" I'm interested in and I am NOT doing it with a dude.

But of course, that's the problem with having conversations with inferior people, who don't quite think on your level. They interpret your "awesome ideas" as "stupid ideas" because said inferior people just aren't smart/creative/racist enough to understand how awesome your ideas really are.

Which brings us to what this article is all about - a conversation. Not one that I had with anyone, but rather one that I found on Youtube. I posted it on the bottom of this page if you want to watch it. Or you could just figure out what it was about from reading this, which I know my lazy unintellectuals prefer.

It's from this show where you judge people and the point is to show how racist you really are. And in the middle of a seemingly pleasant conversation about some random black "person" (as they are misleadingly called) one guy admits that he wouldn't hire the guy because he's black.
Would you hire these people?
And here's the thing: the guy saying this is Polynesian, or as I like to call them, "island niggers." (They like me to call them that, too.) This guy admits the inferiority of the non-Aryan races AS A MEMBER OF A NON-ARYAN RACE. You know how awesome that is?

This Polynesian says that he doesn't like black "people" because they have a sense of entitlement. Of course, one of the blacks there starts complaining about how racism is like bad or something, proving only that he thinks he's entitled to stuff like rights. But the face the Polynesian guy makes in response to this (shown at 3:10) is absolutely priceless. You can practically hear him thinking, "It's like Martin Luther King Day all over again!"

Of course my favorite moment is actually a bit before this. The black guy blabbing on about his rights says something along the lines of "It's like if I didn't give money to white homeless people." And then it sounds like our Polynesian hero says "That's because you're Jewish." That makes him a third level racist!

What does that mean? Let me explain.

First level racism is understanding the inherent superiority of lighter skin. You might act on this understanding, not giving cab rides to non-whites, or by simply hunting down any dark-skinned person who might have a bag of skittles. (Bang!)

You become a second level racist when you know WHY darker skinned people are so inferior. This is where I thought the Polynesian guy was, because he knew that all black people have a sense of entitlement. He would also know, of course, that Mexicans are lazy, Arabs blow up planes, and Asians spend all day studying math because their penises are too small to masturbate with.

You reach the third level when you realize that, not only do all minorities fit their stereotype, but that everyone that fits the stereotype is a member of that minority. For example, when the Polynesian suggested that everyone that is stingy is Jewish. This is of course the top of the racist pyramid. It's like the racist version of self-actualization.

But this black guy in the video obviously doesn't care how enlightened this Polynesian man is. All this black guy cares about is pushing his bigoted anti-racist views, and trying to make our poor Polynesian hero feel bad about himself.

Also he probably really cares about fried chicken.


No, I don't have a caption for the video. If you' want to know
my thoughts on it, go back and read the fucking article.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Caowin's Editorial Written in an Adult Arcade

That's right. I'm actually typing this from inside an adult arcade. You must be thinking "What the fuck?" but let me explain. You see, an adultarcade is a little booth where people pay to watch porn and masturbate. “So you mean to tell me that you have your laptop with youbut you PAID to watch porn and masturbate anyway?”

Well, it was an experience. They’ve got like 200 videos toscroll through, including some preggo porn (which was still not as disgustingas the ebony – ew), and it was nice not waiting for the videos to load. But theproblem was it cost a dollar for 10 minutes, but I only had a five dollar bill,so even though I already finished I’m stuck in here for another 49 minutes andI need something to do. I could always leave, but that would mean I wasted money,something we Jews do not like to do.

Besides, it’s a really great place to write. No one canbother you, they have just enough light for you to be able to see, and there’sno distractions. Well, except for the porn and all, but I turned it onto this romanticscene with really cheerful piano music, so it’s more relaxing than anythingelse.

Imagine people doing it to this

So where are you? Hopefully not in an adult arcade, becausethat would mean that they are now using my writing as pornography, which itclearly is NOT.

(As a side note, this is the most fucking artistic porn I’veever watched. The scene keeps on cutting in this supercool, jarring, almost postmodernway, and the lighting is all dark and weird. I’m half tempted to buy the videojust so I can share its eerily non-erotic beauty with you guys.)

NO CAOWIN STOP TALKING ABOUT PORN YOU HAVE TO FOCUS. Okay,I’m focusing. So as you probably have not heard because you guys are a bunch ofidiots who don’t watch the news, Chen Guangcheng, a Chinese activist who wasunder house arrest after having served thirty years in prison, escaped and isprobably now in an American Embassy.

And the tale of his escape is the awesomest one I’ve everheard. He faked illness to lull the guards surrounding his house into a falsesense of security. Then, in the cover of the night, he sneaked around all thoseguards, presumably using his Chinese ninja skills. [Editor’s note: Rice –Ninjas are Japanese you racist.] He then ran until he could run no more, whichis when his friends picked him up and drove him to the American embassy.

Now you would think this guy sounds like a real hero, likethe kind of guy I can approve of. Sure, he’s yellow, but he was standing up toother yellow people, so it evens it out, right? Wrong. Because this supercoolfreedom fighter was also handi-incapable.

Yeah, that’s right. Chen Guangcheng is blind as a bat, andhas been since he was a child. Far from being the archetypal Caowinian hero,this Chen guy is actually the greatest enemy that I and my Handi-Incapablecampaign have ever seen.

I mean, handicapped doctors, lawyers and bankers can all beexplained away. Those are mental careers, and the people who normally do them(Jews) aren’t the strongest among us anyway. But running away from evil guardsis TOTALLY something that the able-bodied should have an edge over thehandi-incapable on. How are you supposed to see where you’re going when youCAN’T FUCKING SEE?

And to think America is stuck between a rock and a hardplace – having to either give up a political prisoner to an evil government orrisk infuriating said evil government – all because some cripple wanted to beawesome. So anyway, that was this unintellectual hero’s two cents on thatChinese hero’s two broken eyes. Remember to fight impairment dishonesty and havean amazingly unintellectual day!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Caowin's Note from the Writers

Recently I’ve received word that there is some speculation about why Y. S. Rice and I haven’t been updating the blog regularly in the last few months. And I’m sure you unintellectuals are filled with questions: What’s wrong? Are you guys being chased down by the government? Has one of you fell into the coma, forcing the other one to shoulder all writing responsibilities as well as actually work a real job too?

Some of you might even be wondering, “Who’s been doing all this speculation?” And that’s a pretty self-reflexive, postmodern question. “No, seriously,” you might say, “no one reads your blog except for a few friends who know what you guys do at all times anyway because it’s on Facebook.”

So I feel like I owe you guys an explanation. You see, when a mommy cowriter and a daddy cowriter love each other very much, the daddy cowriter (in this case, yours truly) rams his opinion roughly and insensitively into the mommy cowriter’s (Y. S. Rice, of course) sense of sarcasm. At first, the mommy cowriter bleeds, but after a while, she realizes that the world is run by people just like Caowin and gives up hope. This is why they call it losing your innocence. This is how blogs are made.

Well, anyway, when writers get older, sometimes it gets harder for the daddy cowriter to get his dickishness up. Sometimes mommy is feeling too tired to actively hate Caowin, and all she wants to do is lie there and wait for Caowin to finish so she can roll over. Or sometimes she even closes her eyes and pretends she’s hating David Cameron instead.

I had a point to this. Oh yeah, what we’ve been doing.

Yeah. Well, Y. S. Rice and I have just been taking a break in our no homo co-writing relationship in order to work some things out. Just see it like that, kids. This doesn’t mean we don’t love you, and this is in no way your fault. We’ll work things out and get back into our writing schedule soon enough.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Joseph Kony 2012

Hey, unintellectuals. It's your humble servant Caowin here. How are you? That's good/bad/whatever. I'm feeling pretty inspired, thanks for asking.

Why am I so inspired? Well I just saw the Kony 2012 video, which is about (I think I'm supposed to avoid spoiling what the video is actually about, but the thing is twenty-seven minutes long, so I'll spare you the torture of having to watch it) this dude named Joseph Kony (who doesn't come up until 8:46) who apparently is a bad man.

Now, if you're anything like me, you're thinking, "So what? There's lots of bad people on this earth." And if you're anything like Y. S. Rice, you're also thinking, "Yeah, like David, James and Kirk Cameron!"

But this Kony guy is like, especially bad. Like, worse than all three Camerons combined. You see, as the filmmaker explains around 10:05, Joseph Kony "has, um, an army, okay? And what he does is he takes children from their parents, and he gives them a gun, to shoot, and he makes them shoot and kill other people...they don't want to do what he says, but he forces them to do bad things."

And right now, you're probably thinking, "Hehe, 'he forces them to do bad things' sounds sexual. But in all seriousness, I guess that this Joseph Kony guy is like bad and stuff. So I guess the question is, 'Why do I care?'"

Well, for starters, at about 10:35 an adorable little blonde kid said that it made him "sad." There was also Jacob, who had a little panic attack around minute 5 (I don't really remember; I was busy writing an article about why I didn't care.)

But other than that, it really doesn't affect you. The author even admitted at 14:02, "our national security and financial interests are not at stake." I mean, it takes place all the way in Africa. And all the people involved seem...well, you know... I'm not saying I don't care about black people, but, you know, shmi shmon't shmare shmabout shmack smeople.
Something about this is easy to be apathetic about.
But despite all this, I found the tale of how one man fought to spread his message inspiring because I, too, am a man fighting to spread a message: that's what my Handi-Incapable campaign is all about. It is this spirit of inspiration that got me to finally finish my brochure.

Remember, everything you do to bring awareness to Impairment Dishonesty helps. Print out the brochure here and give it to your friends. Post a link to on your favorite social media site. Just point out cripples wherever you see them. And I'll do my part too. I'll start posting semi-regularly on stuff relevant to this campaign. Maybe like every Wednesday. I've got nothing better to do.

Well then it's settled! Now go out, spread the good word.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Caowin's Second Apology

Readers! How you guys been? Pursuing unintellectuality in your personal lives? Good, good, good... How have the children been? Oh, you don't have children? Oh, you're barren? Oh... How's the womb version of a desert then?

Y. S. Rice just told me to get back to the point.

You see, I really don't like apologizing. But apparently my suggestion that women nag and complain while men do manly things offended some people. Well, if you consider feminists people.

They were angry because apparently relationships between men and women should be marked by equality, cooperation, and mutual respect, rather than annoyance and disregard for the fairer sex. (Like those icky feminazis would know. I wouldn't touch one of those unshaven fatties if they were the closest thing to a real girl left on Earth.)

And I have to admit, I sort of agree. Relationships between men and women shouldn't be all about the woman trying to crush the man's spirit, taking away everything that gives the man meaning whilst simultaneously forcing unto him activities that he finds not only uninteresting, but also humiliating and emasculating.

It shouldn't be like that, Katie you whore. But I guess it's inevitable. It's like that old saying: Men are from Mars; women are from R'lyeh where they, alongside Cthulhu, inspire all the fear, anxiety and anger of mankind.

Anyway, while this is clearly the truth and anyone who says otherwise is either a woman trying to suck out the soul of a man, or a man whose soul has already been sucked out by a woman, I apologize for saying it.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Caowin's Editorial on Santorum's Marriage Policy

Today we are here to talk about marriage. Now, anyone that knows me knows that I am radically anti-marriage. Every since that stupid whore Katie broke my heart I've understood that anyone that says they love you is probably lying to you in order to get you to spend loads of money on them. But we're actually talking about politicians, and which ones will protect marriage from those who would make it homo.
But if they're both the same gender, how do they know which one complains that they never go out anymore while the other one tries to watch the game?

You guys might not know this about me, but I’ve recently become a Gingrich supporter. I like his debating skills, his moon colony idea, and his shape, which reminds me of one of the best movie scenes of all time.

Actual picture of Gingrich's first attempt at dealing with the godlessness in cities like New York.
But recently , I’ve been getting the frothy appeal of Santorum. He understands that gay marriage, even more than every other form of marriage, is an abomination and a perversion of human nature.

And I like this about him, although I originally felt he doesn't take it far enough. I mean, the Bible doesn't say just any old man and woman can get married. It says it has to be one Christian man and one Christian woman. And for those of you who are like, "That's not fair to Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddists and Sikhs!", I disagree. Those non-Christian people can still get married. They just have to convert first.

And what about nonvirgin women? The Bible clearly says a woman's wedding night should be her first time, and I agree with this because when you find out that a girl you like has been spoiled by another man's cum, it ruins your relationship with them. Cough, cough, Katie. Cough.

I mean, how can I even get it up knowing that, far from going where no man has gone before, that the shoes I'm about to put on (so to speak) have already been worn a thousand times by somebody with much bigger feet than I could ever dream of having. How could you do this to me, Katie? If you waste your first time with a non-husband person, you deserve to die alone. You hear me Katie?

The only argument I can see against this position is that the wedding night will be terrible unless you've got some experience. But that's part of what makes it special - how miserable it makes you. Besides, ladies, there's plenty of time to practice [Editor's note: Rice - Says the man who has had sex about 425 times less than I have.]

Of course, when Santorum gave a speech declaring that he was going to fight Satan's hold on America, I knew that he would get to these other Christian battles eventually. You see, Santorum understands that Satan is trying to get our country to do evil things.

"Like wage violent wars?" you might be thinking. No, Santorum is fine with war, supporting the ones in Afghanistan and Iraq, and vowing to bomb Iran.

"Oh, so he means taking government support away from poor people." you probably said. Not that either. Santorum understood "the poor; for yours is the kingdom of God" to be a turn of phrase. What kind of God would actually turn their kingdom over to icky poor people.

Rather, Santorum was referring to gay marriage, a much greater evil than war and greed combined. It was this great evil that Santorum referred to when he said: "The Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies, Satan, would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country -- the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?"

Yes, Santorum, the Satan does have his sights on this country. And it is up to all Americans to make sure peace and charity reign.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Cool People for Cthulhu

Yo yo homies,

No, I'm just kidding. Hello dear readers - Y. S. Rice here. I recently made the mistake of actually reading this blog in my free time the other day, when I noticed that Coawin was heading a vaguely dickish but surprisingly lofty social crusade. My first thought was naturally 'Man, fuck Caowinhim', but - sure enough - my second thought was 'Man, fuck social crusades'. Having cast aside the obvious bait, I decided to go back to doing what I always do in my free time.

FYI to all you ladies: That's not an arm going into my jeans.
Think about it.
Hahahahahahaha, no. My main hobby is actually Googleing for funny pictures [Editor's note - Caowinhim: No homo]. That's how I found that picture, and pretty much every picture in every post I've ever made on this blog, but it's also a great source of entertainment... Until I found this:

Do you move like Jagger?

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!


Oh yeah, it's Mick Jagger, who I imagine has won the much-respected Academy Award for supreme ugliness every year since it's introduction (it was introduced the year Mick Jagger was born). Seriously, this creature can not be human - which, if you think about it, is how the following train of thought kicked off: I would literally rather have sex with Cthulhu than see this picture ever again -> Wait, why is Cthulhu my go-to ugly guy? -> Mr. Jagger here has set the bar even higher than him, after all. -> It's kinda unfair that Cthulhu gets likened to people as ugly as Mick Jagger -> Plus Cthulhu might be female, which at least adds a couple percent of beauty -> Cthulhu is not that ugly! -> We need to save Cthulhu! 

For those of you who may not know Cthulhu well, or wish to know more about the guy, here are...

The Facts on Cthulhu:

  • He has the attractive qualities of fish-men, octopuses*, and dragons. In case you think dragons are pretty sexy (like I do), let's get this straight - here's a picture of our guy:
  • His dry spell can be measured in ice ages.
  • He is the face of the popular roleplaying game, The Call of Cthulhu, but has made celebrity guest appearances on such shows as South Park and The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy (he only did the latter because he owed the writer of that episode a favour). 
    • In his capacity as arch-villain of most Call of Cthulhu games, Cthulhu has been alternatively thwarted, nuked (pointlessly), and shot into space by many creative investigators over the years.
    • Cthulhu, being the only Cthulhu in the universe, is a ridiculously endangered species. [Editor's note: Caowinhim. Who is near impossible to destroy.]
  • His dad was the amazing horror writer and uber-racist, H. P. Lovecraft. He has no mother. 
    • Despite Cthulhu's immortality, Lovecraft himself died quite a while ago, making Cthulhu an orphan. You dicks just love nuking orphans, don't you? [Editor's note - Caowinhim: So what?]
  • Cthulhu only has one wish in the whole world (to destroy the whole world (for no reason), but that's not important). Such lowly desires should be rewarded; not punished.
  • Oh yeah, and Cthulhu's a God. Sure, he's a God of chaos for chaos' sake, but still... Is he really that different from Jesus? They both seem to have pretty unrealistic expectations of humankind, and both have an interest in human souls (the latter for redemption and the former for consumption). 
    • That's similar enough for me. 
Now, since when is it cool to keep picking on hideous, constantly bullied, orphans of endangered species? That is exactly why I am officially starting my own social crusade: Y. S. Rice's Cool People for Cthulhu Campaign. If you are a good person wanting to protect a nearly-extinct species, then like this post. If you are a kind soul who wants to take pity on an unfortunate creature, like this page. If you are a Godless heathen looking for a new (ancient) God, like this page. Most importantly, if you are a cultist who worships the forces of evil and hatred the world over, like this page, +1 it, and then Tweet about it.

CPfC (Cool People for Cthulhu) aims to advance the following ideals:
  1. Cthulhu is a hideously misunderstood creature; all he wants is to destroy all evil in the universe (which, unfortunately, is only found on Earth - all over Earth. It's all of us. You know it's true.)
  2. Cthulhu is not hideous. There's somebody out there for everybody, right? At least that's what Caowin tells me [Editor's note - Caowinhim: It's also what I tell all my fat friends! Jk lol, why would I have fat friends?]
  3. Little known fact: at the end of Apocalypse Now, he was actually
    just thinking about our sexy pairing of the Gods.
    1. Further, it is CPfC's aim to ship Cthulhu and Yog-Sothoth, since they would make such a cute couple. Just think of all the tentacles.
    2. We CPfCers will liken all unspeakably ugly things to Mick Jagger's face from now on; never Cthulhu.
  4. There is no Cthulhu but Cthulhu, and Chibthulhu is his true prophet.
Well, that's all folks. Hope enjoyed today's article - or as I call it: 'Y. S. Rice Finds Meaning'.

Agree or make a sanity check.
Actually, agree and make a sanity check.

Look at that adorable deity.

- Y. S. Rice